[She says softly and hugs him tightly, but gently. Always so gentle.] Sometimes it feels like explaining things like that makes it worse, makes you feel like you're swimming in grief and you can't catch a breath.
[swimming in grief and he couldn't catch a breath, and he freaked out about it. Dawn understands, though. of course she does. he leans into her hug, but then his shoulders tense up again when she asks about his mother.]
Yeah, she was. Not sure if she was clean when she had me, but I dunno, maybe I would've been born even more fucked up if she had been.
[ he feels a little pathetic, standing here talking about this while she's rubbing his back. he's not used to the comfort and affection, and having it when he feels this way is so strange to him.
he tries not to pull away, but the feeling is too overwhelming and he drops his hand from her shoulder, shifting out of her hold to lean back against the bridge instead, wrapping his arms around himself. ]
She used to get me to steal shit for her when I was a kid cause she never had enough. Money always went for drugs though. Never food, or shit we actually needed.
[She lets him move away to lean against the bridge, trying to keep her face as neutral as possible. She wants to be as understanding as she can, she knows from both Hank and Ellis that addiction is incredibly hard and makes you do some very shitty things but she still can't help but feel a flicker of anger at Jason's mother for treating her son like this.]
[ he shrugs because that's what's always gotten him through it. shrugging it off makes it easy to move forward. ]
Yeah, but I was used to it so, you know. Rough just becomes normal. The fucked up thing is, she couldn't fucking stand me. Even on the day she died she made sure to remind me how everything bad that had ever happened to her was all my fucking fault- and yet here I am, still fucking crying over her. That's what's fucked up.
[There's another flicker of anger, this one bigger than the last, but she takes a breath to steady herself. Her getting angry at Jason's dead mother won't help anything.]
That was extremely unfair of her to say. [She says, her tone probably betraying a little bit of her anger.] None of that was your fault, Jason. You were a fucking child and she took advantage of your love for her.
[She sighs and runs a hand through her hair.] But it's not fucked up that you're crying over her, you cared about her and she hurt you and herself.
Maybe she loved me at first but then you know, she had to deal with me, and I was such a bad kid.
[ he doesn't tell her that his mom and dad were right. that he was a huge fucking mistake, and he's always known it. everywhere he goes, he's the mistake. the one who fucks everything up. it'll happen with the Titans sooner or later, and it'll probably happen with Dawn too, but he doesn't want her to figure it out just yet.
so again he simply shrugs, then turns back around to look at the water. he likes the sound it makes when it's hitting the rocks below.]
Not even sure how long I hid in that closet before the cops realized she had a kid and came to find me. They hated me too. Kids from the Narrows are like fucking dogs to them. They didn't give a single shit that my mom just died. No one gave a crap. It was real nice to kick the shit outta them when I learned how to fight better.
I don't buy that. Unless you were killing animals and torturing other kids I don't believe you were a bad kid.
[She says, looking at him steadily. When he mentions the awful cops and how good it felt to beat on them for once, she nods. Looking down at the water as well.]
I'm not going to lecture you about that. [She says quietly, looking down at the water.] Mostly because I would have probably done the same thing in your position.
[ he just looks at her without saying anything to that, because he doesn't want to argue it anymore. despite how he feels about himself, it does feel good that she doesn't think he's shit.
he tears up a little again, then wipes at his eyes and turns to face her again, reaching out to slide his fingers across her cheek. ]
Fuck them. Fuck all of 'em. It's better that they're gone.
[ his hand slides into hair when she moves forward to kiss him, and he kisses back openly and freely, everything feeling open and raw, but in this case it's alright. ]
I care about you too.
[he says quietly, resting his forehead against hers when she goes on to tell him things he's always longed to hear. he wonders if this time it could be true. that she wants him, despite all his ugliness, everything that feels chaotic and overwhelmed and upset. that he doesn't have to be alone. he sniffles a little, but he nods, then leans in to press his lips against hers again, kissing her deeper.]
[Everything seems to slow down when he kisses her, the sound of the waterfall going quiet compared to the way he makes her heart pound and when he deepens the kiss she responds in full. Opening her mouth to him and sliding her tongue against his, her hands moving around his waist so she can pull herself tighter against him.]
[ it feels good to have her pressed against him so tightly, warmly, making him feel wanted. cared about. when her lips part to let him in, he presses his tongue in against hers, kissing her with all the emotions he's been feeling, but none of the sadness.
he doesn't want to stop, kissing her deeply until he has to catch his breath, and then he rests his forehead against hers once again, a soft laugh escaping his lips. ]
[She doesn't want to stop either, the way he kisses her is always so deep and powerful and if asked she'd have to admit that it's some of the best kisses of her life. Better than Hank, better than Dick, because Jason gives everything when he kisses. And when he finally pulls away she makes a soft breathless noise.]
Wow indeed. [She says and then peppers a few side kisses on the corner of his mouth and cheek. Eager for more already.] God, you're so good at that.
[ that would definitely boost his confidence some if he knew his kisses were some of the best in her life. despite all his cockiness, when it comes to Dawn, he's unsure a lot. much more shy than he usually tends to be. if he knew he was better than Hank and Dick... oh wow. wow.
but it doesn't really matter, because all that really does, is the way she feels, and how good it is to kiss her. everything he feels when he gets to be this close to her.
he smiles when she kisses his face, tilting his head a little to do the same to her.]
[ it's suddenly so nice here. the morning air, the sounds of a beautiful waterfall just under them, the feeling of Dawn so close to him, and her words wrapping around his broken heart. he didn't think he could feel this way today of all days, but... it's alright. he's feeling alright now.
he feels like he can handle this, because he's not alone. ]
Guess I'm lucky then.
[he kisses her again, brushing her hair back, letting out a soft laugh at her question.]
[She murmurs softly just before he kisses her again, shivering pleasantly when he brushes her hair back. When he laughs though she joins in, giving him a playful squeeze.]
Just a little?
So did I. There was some teen magazine article that a friend of mine brought to school that suggested that's how you practice. So then of course you had all these young girls kissing and making out with their hands at lunch.
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[She says softly and hugs him tightly, but gently. Always so gentle.] Sometimes it feels like explaining things like that makes it worse, makes you feel like you're swimming in grief and you can't catch a breath.
[She tilts her face up to him again.]
Do you want to tell me about her?
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[swimming in grief and he couldn't catch a breath, and he freaked out about it. Dawn understands, though. of course she does. he leans into her hug, but then his shoulders tense up again when she asks about his mother.]
She... she wasn't great.
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She was a drug addict, right?
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[ he feels a little pathetic, standing here talking about this while she's rubbing his back. he's not used to the comfort and affection, and having it when he feels this way is so strange to him.
he tries not to pull away, but the feeling is too overwhelming and he drops his hand from her shoulder, shifting out of her hold to lean back against the bridge instead, wrapping his arms around himself. ]
She used to get me to steal shit for her when I was a kid cause she never had enough. Money always went for drugs though. Never food, or shit we actually needed.
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That's really rough.
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Yeah, but I was used to it so, you know. Rough just becomes normal. The fucked up thing is, she couldn't fucking stand me. Even on the day she died she made sure to remind me how everything bad that had ever happened to her was all my fucking fault- and yet here I am, still fucking crying over her. That's what's fucked up.
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That was extremely unfair of her to say. [She says, her tone probably betraying a little bit of her anger.] None of that was your fault, Jason. You were a fucking child and she took advantage of your love for her.
[She sighs and runs a hand through her hair.] But it's not fucked up that you're crying over her, you cared about her and she hurt you and herself.
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[ he doesn't tell her that his mom and dad were right. that he was a huge fucking mistake, and he's always known it. everywhere he goes, he's the mistake. the one who fucks everything up. it'll happen with the Titans sooner or later, and it'll probably happen with Dawn too, but he doesn't want her to figure it out just yet.
so again he simply shrugs, then turns back around to look at the water. he likes the sound it makes when it's hitting the rocks below.]
Not even sure how long I hid in that closet before the cops realized she had a kid and came to find me. They hated me too. Kids from the Narrows are like fucking dogs to them. They didn't give a single shit that my mom just died. No one gave a crap. It was real nice to kick the shit outta them when I learned how to fight better.
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[She says, looking at him steadily. When he mentions the awful cops and how good it felt to beat on them for once, she nods. Looking down at the water as well.]
Was this before you were Robin? Or after?
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[he scoffs, dragging his fingers through his hair. he can feel her looking at him and he doesn't like it. he knows that's stupid of him, too.]
...After. And yeah, I know. Dick already gave me the whole fucking lecture about how fucked up that is, too.
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[She says, her voice firm.]
I'm not going to lecture you about that. [She says quietly, looking down at the water.] Mostly because I would have probably done the same thing in your position.
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[and maybe that's the problem. the problem from the very start. but Jason's pretty sure it's too late to fix any of that now.
he finally glances at her.]
...Yeah? Well good. They deserved what they got. Fucking lucky I didn't do worse to 'em. They would've deserved that too.
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[She says and when he finally glances at her she locks eyes with him.]
I get it. I felt the same way when I broke my father's arm and to this day I wish I hadn't stopped at one.
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he tears up a little again, then wipes at his eyes and turns to face her again, reaching out to slide his fingers across her cheek. ]
Fuck them. Fuck all of 'em. It's better that they're gone.
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I care so much about you, Jason.
[She says against his lips.]
And I meant what I said earlier, you don't have to be alone. I want you, all of you. Even the parts that feel chaotic and overwhelmed and upset.
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I care about you too.
[he says quietly, resting his forehead against hers when she goes on to tell him things he's always longed to hear. he wonders if this time it could be true. that she wants him, despite all his ugliness, everything that feels chaotic and overwhelmed and upset. that he doesn't have to be alone. he sniffles a little, but he nods, then leans in to press his lips against hers again, kissing her deeper.]
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he doesn't want to stop, kissing her deeply until he has to catch his breath, and then he rests his forehead against hers once again, a soft laugh escaping his lips. ]
Wow.
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Better than Hank, better than Dick, because Jason gives everything when he kisses. And when he finally pulls away she makes a soft breathless noise.]
Wow indeed. [She says and then peppers a few side kisses on the corner of his mouth and cheek. Eager for more already.] God, you're so good at that.
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but it doesn't really matter, because all that really does, is the way she feels, and how good it is to kiss her. everything he feels when he gets to be this close to her.
he smiles when she kisses his face, tilting his head a little to do the same to her.]
Only cause I love kissing you so much.
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I'm glad you love it so much, because so do I.
[She says and then looks up at him with a grin.]
Did you ever practice kissing on your hand? Like when you were younger?
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he feels like he can handle this, because he's not alone. ]
Guess I'm lucky then.
[he kisses her again, brushing her hair back, letting out a soft laugh at her question.]
... Fuck. I guess??? A little bit?
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[She murmurs softly just before he kisses her again, shivering pleasantly when he brushes her hair back. When he laughs though she joins in, giving him a playful squeeze.]
Just a little?
So did I. There was some teen magazine article that a friend of mine brought to school that suggested that's how you practice. So then of course you had all these young girls kissing and making out with their hands at lunch.
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[he's still smiling as he shakes his head, then tilts it to the side.]
I guess maybe my friend Molly read the same thing? I got it from her and we tried it out a bunch of times.
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Did you two give up on your hands after a while and try kissing each other?
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