[The rest of their evening is a quiet one, each of them mulling over their own thoughts and worries and when they say goodnight to one another it's a little awkward what with the memory of their earlier slumber together still hanging over them. As she lays in her bed, awake and anxious, she can still smell him on the sheets and twice she almost gets up to go see him in the living room, but both times she chickens out. Instead she tosses and turns till about 4am when finally she falls into a thin troubled sleep.
She wakes up around 9am and already knows that Jason is awake as well as there's no way he slept any better than she did, she gets up and throws on some clothes and goes out to the kitchen to make them some tea. She said she would call after breakfast but she knows there's no way she's going to be able to keep anything down, not when her stomach is in so many knots.]
[ Jason didn't mean to turn the night into this, when they had other things on their mind. but maybe this is more important. maybe these are the things that need to be addressed first. Jason can't move on when all of this is lingering in the air between them.
he doesn't sleep. not even a little bit. he's fearful, nervous, angry, sad. there are drugs in his bag that he knows would help take care of all of that, and as the sun rises on a sleepless night, that fear of what Dick will say comes creeping in hard and fast. he doesn't know if he can stand this. he doesn't think he can do this.
weak, his head tells him. he's so fucking weak. Bruce thought so, so did Crane. how did he ever think he could prove otherwise? and now, he wants so badly for Dawn to find out what he left behind, but he's scared shitless and he can't take it.
by the time Dawn is up and around, Jason is up on the roof, drugs in his system, inhaler in his hand. it's different here, like this. it's different to feel nothing when there's no one whispering evil plans into his ear. it's his own head telling him things now. what would he do if he didn't feel fear? it's why he's sitting on the edge of the roof, head fuzzy and blank, because nothing else matters anymore but this. ]
[Dawn is still a bit sleepy so she doesn't notice that Jason isn't in the living room until she brings in the tea and sees the empty couch, her brows crease together and she sets down the pot and immediately heads to the rooftop. Telling herself that the awful feeling in her stomach is just nerves, he's probably feeling the same thing and went up to the roof to stretch and watch the sun rise.
And yet that feeling doesn't go away, it gets worse as she climbs up the steps and opens the door.]
Jason?
[She calls out softly and when she spots him, sitting on the edge of the roof, her heart clenches in fear because even before he turns around she knows something is wrong.]
[ it takes a moment for her voice to register. someone is calling out his name, and it takes him a few long seconds to even turn his head to glance her way.
Dawn.
oh, she's going to hate him. if she doesn't hate him already. but none of that really matters right now either. he turns his head away from her again so he can look forward... lean forward... look down. ]
I couldn't do it the first time. I was too scared. Dick showed up and he stopped me, and then he never talked to me again. Everyone hated me and I felt so afraid. I wasn't gonna let myself feel that afraid again.
[His eyes are not his own, she can see that right away and she feels like she's suddenly being tumbled back in time when she looks into those murky colored eyes. Only this time it isn't up to her to save Hank it's up to her to save Jason.]
Jason, please don't do that.
[She says, inhaling sharply when he leans forward. Her heart is hammering in her chest and she takes a few cautious steps towards him.]
I'm sorry that you felt like that, and we can talk about it, but I need you to come down off the ledge. Please?
[it comes out agitated, and he leaves the inhaler next to him as he lifts his arm to wipe at his forehead, beads of sweat all along his skin from how this make him feel.]
It doesn't matter. This'll fix everything. I always knew that it would, but I was too fucking weak to do anything about it. All this time, and for what? They'd all be alive if I had just had the guts to go through with it the first time.
This time he isn't here. This time Dick will be relieved that I'm gone.
[Her eyes flicker to the inhaler and then back to his face and she takes another step towards him.]
Please don't do this, the Titans are probably fine and even if they aren't I don't want you to kill yourself. I've already had two people I care about die, I can't take it a third time. Especially if it's you.
[ he can't help but laugh when she says that it matters to her. he laughs, then looks at her again like she's crazy. ]
Why? You know that's fucking crazy, right? I killed people. I set them up and kidnapped their kids and let them die. They were innocent. They were all innocent, even Hank.
Jumping off this roof'll be the least crazy thing I've ever done. You don't need me. No one needs me. Just think about how good it'll be when I'm finally gone.
[he looks down at her hand, and his crazed smile cracks a little as he shakes his head.]
[ his crazed smile disappears as quickly as it appeared, and he just stares at the hand being held out to him. it feels so out of reach. everything feels out of reach.]
[ inside his head, he's still there, practically screaming and begging for her to take hold of him. but even with all her words she doesn't. he's still looking down at her hand though, not locking eyes with hers, and it's hard for him to hear what she's saying when his head is so fuzzy. when he feels like he knows what he needs to do. ]
I can't. I can't. I never could.
[he finally tears his gaze away from her hand and looks over the edge of the building again, sliding himself forward.]
[She's always been fast and now she's praying that she's going to be fast enough, the second he starts to look over the edge she breaks into a run, closing the distance between them quickly.]
No!
[She cries out and clamps one hand on his wrist, the other grabs a handful of the back of his hoodie and she pitches herself backwards, dragging him with her. She might not be very large or heavy but luckily she's got gravity on her side.
When they land together against the cold concrete she grunts in pain, feeling his full weight slam against her but she doesn't let that stop her, she rolls them both over and winds up on top.]
Don't you dare tell me what I do or don't feel!
[She yells down into his face, suddenly angry as well as scared.]
[ it happens fast and slow at the same time. the drugs in his system seem to slow everything down, but one second he's falling forward and the next he's being pulled back very intensely, a dull pain moving through his body at every defining point.
he grunts as well, and then he's on the ground, his head slamming into the ground enough to clarify him just for a moment as she moves on top of him.
he looks up at her with wide eyes, his heartbeat picking up suddenly as he tries to catch his breath. there are drugs in his system, trying to pull him under as they always have, but he's trying to see her. he's trying. ]
[She yells at him through her tears, grabbing the collar of his hoodie and giving him a hard shake.]
I can forgive you for Hank because it wasn't just you, Crane had a hand in that, but I won't forgive you for killing yourself! Not when you can stop it!
[ he hates these drugs. he fucking hates them. he feels like he can take on the world but they coil in his gut so deeply, upending his insides. they don't fix his head, they don't fix anything. they just twist inside of him and pull him apart until he feels nothing. until he's nothing.
he was something before, though. he was something, wasn't he? ]
I'm trying... I'm trying! I'm fucking trying!
[he can feel tears. they're his tears, even if the drugs are telling him they mean nothing. it doesn't matter. he doesn't matter. but he does, because she's telling him he does, and he's trying so hard to hold on to that.]
[There's a glimmer of the actual Jason in his eyes when his tears start to fall, she sees it struggling to make it through that awful murky fog and she hauls him up. Wrapping her arms around his neck tightly, hugging him against her.]
Fuck! What do I do? Jason, tell me. How do I stop the drug?
[Her shoulders ache from where she landed on the ground but she doesn't loosen her grip on him, she'll cling to him like a harpy if she has to in order to stop him from getting on the ledge again.]
[ her arms go around him so tightly, holding on to him for dear life and he slowly, sluggishly moves his arms around her too. he wants to stay here. he doesn't want to be on that edge. ]
I don't know. I never could. Just stay with me. Just be here with me.
[he holds on tighter, burying his face into her neck. everything feels so strange, so displaced. the space around him seems to be spinning and he knows he's feeling things, but it's so hard to feel them. he feels like he's breaking away from his body again.]
I'm scared. I just want this to stop. Just knock me out and make it fucking stop... please.
[She doesn't want to hurt him, it's the last thing she wants to do but he sounds so desperate and scared so she takes a deep breath and cradles him tightly against her.]
Okay. Okay I will...
[She pulls back long enough to place a soft kiss on his forehead.]
I'll keep you safe and I'll be there when you wake up, I promise.
[She says through her tears and then proceeds to knock him out.]
[ it won't hurt him. if he stays like this, this is what will hurt him and even through the drugs there's a burst of relief when she agrees to it.
he doesn't need to brace himself because it doesn't matter. the drugs tell him that it doesn't fucking matter, and then he closes his eyes as everything goes dark. ]
[Knocking Jason out is hard emotionally but moving him from the rooftop to back inside the apartment is hard physically and by the time she gets him onto the couch she's sweating and sore, her entire back aching. She checks to make sure he's breathing okay and then flops down onto the floor next to the couch, the strange drug inhaler he left up on the roof in one of her hands. She turns it this way and that, looking at it with a mixture of curiosity and hate.
There's a dark part of her that whispers at her to try it, it would help take away all of this confusion and pain and she could also understand Jason better. With just a quick inhale she could see what he's seen, feel what he's felt. Luckily though this isn't Dawn's first brush with drugs or addiction, after living with Hank and helping him through his she is far less likely to give into that voice.]
Fuck you Crane.
[She says quietly and gets up to go put it in one of the kitchen drawers, once Jason is awake and sober she'll get him to get rid of it, till then she wants to keep it out of sight. While she's in the kitchen she makes herself some tea and takes a few pain killers and then heads back into the living room to watch over Jason until he wakes up.]
[ Jason would be devastated if she tried it. not that he has any room to talk. he'd hate it, though. he hates all of this.
he's out for a long time. it's a combination of the drugs and being knocked out, but in the end it's for the best. when he finally wakes up much later, he's groggy, but the drugs are mostly out of his system. nothing like they were up on that roof.
he blinks his eyes open slowly, staring at the ceiling at first. he's not in Gotham. he's not in a dirty, abandoned warehouse. he's not with Crane.
there's the familiar feeling of softness around him. a couch. the smell of flowers and something very distinctly... Dawn.]
Dawn...
[he breathes out, then turns his head a little, feeling her presence.]
[He's out for a long time, so long in fact that she winds up giving in to her own exhaustion and falls asleep curled against the couch, her head resting against his shoulder. When he finally starts to stir and says her name she jerks awake, wincing at how stiff her whole body feels.]
ah! Jason!
[She says and instantly sits up to look at him, her eyes worried.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ooc: figured we would skip ahead a little to the next morning
She wakes up around 9am and already knows that Jason is awake as well as there's no way he slept any better than she did, she gets up and throws on some clothes and goes out to the kitchen to make them some tea. She said she would call after breakfast but she knows there's no way she's going to be able to keep anything down, not when her stomach is in so many knots.]
sorry Dawn ;_;
he doesn't sleep. not even a little bit. he's fearful, nervous, angry, sad. there are drugs in his bag that he knows would help take care of all of that, and as the sun rises on a sleepless night, that fear of what Dick will say comes creeping in hard and fast. he doesn't know if he can stand this. he doesn't think he can do this.
weak, his head tells him. he's so fucking weak. Bruce thought so, so did Crane. how did he ever think he could prove otherwise? and now, he wants so badly for Dawn to find out what he left behind, but he's scared shitless and he can't take it.
by the time Dawn is up and around, Jason is up on the roof, drugs in his system, inhaler in his hand. it's different here, like this. it's different to feel nothing when there's no one whispering evil plans into his ear. it's his own head telling him things now. what would he do if he didn't feel fear? it's why he's sitting on the edge of the roof, head fuzzy and blank, because nothing else matters anymore but this. ]
ohhh nooooo!
And yet that feeling doesn't go away, it gets worse as she climbs up the steps and opens the door.]
Jason?
[She calls out softly and when she spots him, sitting on the edge of the roof, her heart clenches in fear because even before he turns around she knows something is wrong.]
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Dawn.
oh, she's going to hate him. if she doesn't hate him already. but none of that really matters right now either. he turns his head away from her again so he can look forward... lean forward... look down. ]
I couldn't do it the first time. I was too scared. Dick showed up and he stopped me, and then he never talked to me again. Everyone hated me and I felt so afraid. I wasn't gonna let myself feel that afraid again.
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Jason, please don't do that.
[She says, inhaling sharply when he leans forward. Her heart is hammering in her chest and she takes a few cautious steps towards him.]
I'm sorry that you felt like that, and we can talk about it, but I need you to come down off the ledge. Please?
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[it comes out agitated, and he leaves the inhaler next to him as he lifts his arm to wipe at his forehead, beads of sweat all along his skin from how this make him feel.]
It doesn't matter. This'll fix everything. I always knew that it would, but I was too fucking weak to do anything about it. All this time, and for what? They'd all be alive if I had just had the guts to go through with it the first time.
This time he isn't here. This time Dick will be relieved that I'm gone.
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[Her eyes flicker to the inhaler and then back to his face and she takes another step towards him.]
Please don't do this, the Titans are probably fine and even if they aren't I don't want you to kill yourself. I've already had two people I care about die, I can't take it a third time.
Especially if it's you.
[She holds out her hand to him.]
Jason, please. I need you.
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Why? You know that's fucking crazy, right? I killed people. I set them up and kidnapped their kids and let them die. They were innocent. They were all innocent, even Hank.
Jumping off this roof'll be the least crazy thing I've ever done. You don't need me. No one needs me. Just think about how good it'll be when I'm finally gone.
[he looks down at her hand, and his crazed smile cracks a little as he shakes his head.]
No.
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[She says, her voice cracking.]
I don't want this. I want you to stay with me here, be with me. It sounds crazy and fucked but I care about you.
A lot.
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How can I make you feel anything? I'm nothing.
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[She says, her eyes locking onto his desperately.]
You make me feel beautiful and happy, and alive.
[She can feel tears starting to course down her cheeks.]
Jason, please.
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I can't. I can't. I never could.
[he finally tears his gaze away from her hand and looks over the edge of the building again, sliding himself forward.]
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No!
[She cries out and clamps one hand on his wrist, the other grabs a handful of the back of his hoodie and she pitches herself backwards, dragging him with her. She might not be very large or heavy but luckily she's got gravity on her side.
When they land together against the cold concrete she grunts in pain, feeling his full weight slam against her but she doesn't let that stop her, she rolls them both over and winds up on top.]
Don't you dare tell me what I do or don't feel!
[She yells down into his face, suddenly angry as well as scared.]
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he grunts as well, and then he's on the ground, his head slamming into the ground enough to clarify him just for a moment as she moves on top of him.
he looks up at her with wide eyes, his heartbeat picking up suddenly as he tries to catch his breath. there are drugs in his system, trying to pull him under as they always have, but he's trying to see her. he's trying. ]
Dawn....
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[She yells at him through her tears, grabbing the collar of his hoodie and giving him a hard shake.]
I can forgive you for Hank because it wasn't just you, Crane had a hand in that, but I won't forgive you for killing yourself! Not when you can stop it!
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he was something before, though. he was something, wasn't he? ]
I'm trying... I'm trying! I'm fucking trying!
[he can feel tears. they're his tears, even if the drugs are telling him they mean nothing. it doesn't matter. he doesn't matter. but he does, because she's telling him he does, and he's trying so hard to hold on to that.]
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Fuck! What do I do? Jason, tell me. How do I stop the drug?
[Her shoulders ache from where she landed on the ground but she doesn't loosen her grip on him, she'll cling to him like a harpy if she has to in order to stop him from getting on the ledge again.]
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I don't know. I never could. Just stay with me. Just be here with me.
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[She whispers fiercely, one of her hands moving up to dig itself into his hair.]
I won't leave you. I promise.
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[he holds on tighter, burying his face into her neck. everything feels so strange, so displaced. the space around him seems to be spinning and he knows he's feeling things, but it's so hard to feel them. he feels like he's breaking away from his body again.]
I'm scared. I just want this to stop. Just knock me out and make it fucking stop... please.
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[She doesn't want to hurt him, it's the last thing she wants to do but he sounds so desperate and scared so she takes a deep breath and cradles him tightly against her.]
Okay. Okay I will...
[She pulls back long enough to place a soft kiss on his forehead.]
I'll keep you safe and I'll be there when you wake up, I promise.
[She says through her tears and then proceeds to knock him out.]
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he doesn't need to brace himself because it doesn't matter. the drugs tell him that it doesn't fucking matter, and then he closes his eyes as everything goes dark. ]
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There's a dark part of her that whispers at her to try it, it would help take away all of this confusion and pain and she could also understand Jason better. With just a quick inhale she could see what he's seen, feel what he's felt. Luckily though this isn't Dawn's first brush with drugs or addiction, after living with Hank and helping him through his she is far less likely to give into that voice.]
Fuck you Crane.
[She says quietly and gets up to go put it in one of the kitchen drawers, once Jason is awake and sober she'll get him to get rid of it, till then she wants to keep it out of sight. While she's in the kitchen she makes herself some tea and takes a few pain killers and then heads back into the living room to watch over Jason until he wakes up.]
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he's out for a long time. it's a combination of the drugs and being knocked out, but in the end it's for the best. when he finally wakes up much later, he's groggy, but the drugs are mostly out of his system. nothing like they were up on that roof.
he blinks his eyes open slowly, staring at the ceiling at first. he's not in Gotham. he's not in a dirty, abandoned warehouse. he's not with Crane.
there's the familiar feeling of softness around him. a couch. the smell of flowers and something very distinctly... Dawn.]
Dawn...
[he breathes out, then turns his head a little, feeling her presence.]
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ah! Jason!
[She says and instantly sits up to look at him, her eyes worried.]
I'm right here.
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