[She's always been fast and now she's praying that she's going to be fast enough, the second he starts to look over the edge she breaks into a run, closing the distance between them quickly.]
No!
[She cries out and clamps one hand on his wrist, the other grabs a handful of the back of his hoodie and she pitches herself backwards, dragging him with her. She might not be very large or heavy but luckily she's got gravity on her side.
When they land together against the cold concrete she grunts in pain, feeling his full weight slam against her but she doesn't let that stop her, she rolls them both over and winds up on top.]
Don't you dare tell me what I do or don't feel!
[She yells down into his face, suddenly angry as well as scared.]
[ it happens fast and slow at the same time. the drugs in his system seem to slow everything down, but one second he's falling forward and the next he's being pulled back very intensely, a dull pain moving through his body at every defining point.
he grunts as well, and then he's on the ground, his head slamming into the ground enough to clarify him just for a moment as she moves on top of him.
he looks up at her with wide eyes, his heartbeat picking up suddenly as he tries to catch his breath. there are drugs in his system, trying to pull him under as they always have, but he's trying to see her. he's trying. ]
[She yells at him through her tears, grabbing the collar of his hoodie and giving him a hard shake.]
I can forgive you for Hank because it wasn't just you, Crane had a hand in that, but I won't forgive you for killing yourself! Not when you can stop it!
[ he hates these drugs. he fucking hates them. he feels like he can take on the world but they coil in his gut so deeply, upending his insides. they don't fix his head, they don't fix anything. they just twist inside of him and pull him apart until he feels nothing. until he's nothing.
he was something before, though. he was something, wasn't he? ]
I'm trying... I'm trying! I'm fucking trying!
[he can feel tears. they're his tears, even if the drugs are telling him they mean nothing. it doesn't matter. he doesn't matter. but he does, because she's telling him he does, and he's trying so hard to hold on to that.]
[There's a glimmer of the actual Jason in his eyes when his tears start to fall, she sees it struggling to make it through that awful murky fog and she hauls him up. Wrapping her arms around his neck tightly, hugging him against her.]
Fuck! What do I do? Jason, tell me. How do I stop the drug?
[Her shoulders ache from where she landed on the ground but she doesn't loosen her grip on him, she'll cling to him like a harpy if she has to in order to stop him from getting on the ledge again.]
[ her arms go around him so tightly, holding on to him for dear life and he slowly, sluggishly moves his arms around her too. he wants to stay here. he doesn't want to be on that edge. ]
I don't know. I never could. Just stay with me. Just be here with me.
[he holds on tighter, burying his face into her neck. everything feels so strange, so displaced. the space around him seems to be spinning and he knows he's feeling things, but it's so hard to feel them. he feels like he's breaking away from his body again.]
I'm scared. I just want this to stop. Just knock me out and make it fucking stop... please.
[She doesn't want to hurt him, it's the last thing she wants to do but he sounds so desperate and scared so she takes a deep breath and cradles him tightly against her.]
Okay. Okay I will...
[She pulls back long enough to place a soft kiss on his forehead.]
I'll keep you safe and I'll be there when you wake up, I promise.
[She says through her tears and then proceeds to knock him out.]
[ it won't hurt him. if he stays like this, this is what will hurt him and even through the drugs there's a burst of relief when she agrees to it.
he doesn't need to brace himself because it doesn't matter. the drugs tell him that it doesn't fucking matter, and then he closes his eyes as everything goes dark. ]
[Knocking Jason out is hard emotionally but moving him from the rooftop to back inside the apartment is hard physically and by the time she gets him onto the couch she's sweating and sore, her entire back aching. She checks to make sure he's breathing okay and then flops down onto the floor next to the couch, the strange drug inhaler he left up on the roof in one of her hands. She turns it this way and that, looking at it with a mixture of curiosity and hate.
There's a dark part of her that whispers at her to try it, it would help take away all of this confusion and pain and she could also understand Jason better. With just a quick inhale she could see what he's seen, feel what he's felt. Luckily though this isn't Dawn's first brush with drugs or addiction, after living with Hank and helping him through his she is far less likely to give into that voice.]
Fuck you Crane.
[She says quietly and gets up to go put it in one of the kitchen drawers, once Jason is awake and sober she'll get him to get rid of it, till then she wants to keep it out of sight. While she's in the kitchen she makes herself some tea and takes a few pain killers and then heads back into the living room to watch over Jason until he wakes up.]
[ Jason would be devastated if she tried it. not that he has any room to talk. he'd hate it, though. he hates all of this.
he's out for a long time. it's a combination of the drugs and being knocked out, but in the end it's for the best. when he finally wakes up much later, he's groggy, but the drugs are mostly out of his system. nothing like they were up on that roof.
he blinks his eyes open slowly, staring at the ceiling at first. he's not in Gotham. he's not in a dirty, abandoned warehouse. he's not with Crane.
there's the familiar feeling of softness around him. a couch. the smell of flowers and something very distinctly... Dawn.]
Dawn...
[he breathes out, then turns his head a little, feeling her presence.]
[He's out for a long time, so long in fact that she winds up giving in to her own exhaustion and falls asleep curled against the couch, her head resting against his shoulder. When he finally starts to stir and says her name she jerks awake, wincing at how stiff her whole body feels.]
ah! Jason!
[She says and instantly sits up to look at him, her eyes worried.]
[ he can feel her head on his shoulder, and then she's up and looking at him, and he blinks at her slowly, trying to get everything to be a little less fuzzy.
[ he feels himself start to tear up... but it's alright. it means the drugs are leaving him. it means he can feel again. it's terrible. but it's how things need to be. ]
[ he feels so fucking pathetic, but he knows he deserves to feel that too. what he did was absolutely fucking pathetic. ]
I didn't think I could manage without it. I thought... that there'd be something I couldn't fucking handle and I'd need it. And then that time came and I was fucking terrified, thinking about Dick and the Titans and what could have happened. And what would happen if I had to go back.
I remembered what it felt like when I left San Fransisco. When I went back to Gotham. When I left Bruce. I didn't want feel that again. I freaked out. I really fucking freaked out and I'm sorry. Fuck.
[She soothes when she sees how much he's working himself up again and runs her hand through his hair slowly. She lets him take a moment before speaking again and when she does she tries to keep the hurt out of her voice.]
Why didn't you come get me? You could have woken me up to talk to me.
[ he closes his eyes, focusing on the way her hand moves through his hair. it's gentle and kind and a good anchor for everything he's feeling right now.
when he opens his eyes and looks at her. ]
I don't know. I... I've never been good at that shit. Talking to people, I mean. I've always been alone.
[She says softly, part of her feeling guilty because if she had just gone out to him in the night like she had wanted maybe he wouldn't have had to resort to this.]
[ he's quiet for a while, just looking at her when she tells him he's not alone anymore. he was up there on that roof, ready to jump, and she was there. she pulled him back. she yelled at him, telling him all the things he needed to hear and she's here now too.
there's not an ounce of judgement on her face, in her eyes.
before this, he was the most alone he's ever felt. but he's not alone anymore. ]
That wasn't me. I'm not gonna kill myself. I wouldn't leave you like that, ok? You're not alone either.
[You're not alone either. It's just four little words but they hit her heart so hard that she utters a small choked sound as she wraps her arms around him clumsily and buries her face into his chest.
She stays like that for a long time, listening to his heart beat as a way to reassure herself that he's here and he's himself again. Eventually she pulls back, her hair a tousled mess and her eyes tired and red.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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No!
[She cries out and clamps one hand on his wrist, the other grabs a handful of the back of his hoodie and she pitches herself backwards, dragging him with her. She might not be very large or heavy but luckily she's got gravity on her side.
When they land together against the cold concrete she grunts in pain, feeling his full weight slam against her but she doesn't let that stop her, she rolls them both over and winds up on top.]
Don't you dare tell me what I do or don't feel!
[She yells down into his face, suddenly angry as well as scared.]
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he grunts as well, and then he's on the ground, his head slamming into the ground enough to clarify him just for a moment as she moves on top of him.
he looks up at her with wide eyes, his heartbeat picking up suddenly as he tries to catch his breath. there are drugs in his system, trying to pull him under as they always have, but he's trying to see her. he's trying. ]
Dawn....
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[She yells at him through her tears, grabbing the collar of his hoodie and giving him a hard shake.]
I can forgive you for Hank because it wasn't just you, Crane had a hand in that, but I won't forgive you for killing yourself! Not when you can stop it!
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he was something before, though. he was something, wasn't he? ]
I'm trying... I'm trying! I'm fucking trying!
[he can feel tears. they're his tears, even if the drugs are telling him they mean nothing. it doesn't matter. he doesn't matter. but he does, because she's telling him he does, and he's trying so hard to hold on to that.]
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Fuck! What do I do? Jason, tell me. How do I stop the drug?
[Her shoulders ache from where she landed on the ground but she doesn't loosen her grip on him, she'll cling to him like a harpy if she has to in order to stop him from getting on the ledge again.]
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I don't know. I never could. Just stay with me. Just be here with me.
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[She whispers fiercely, one of her hands moving up to dig itself into his hair.]
I won't leave you. I promise.
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[he holds on tighter, burying his face into her neck. everything feels so strange, so displaced. the space around him seems to be spinning and he knows he's feeling things, but it's so hard to feel them. he feels like he's breaking away from his body again.]
I'm scared. I just want this to stop. Just knock me out and make it fucking stop... please.
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[She doesn't want to hurt him, it's the last thing she wants to do but he sounds so desperate and scared so she takes a deep breath and cradles him tightly against her.]
Okay. Okay I will...
[She pulls back long enough to place a soft kiss on his forehead.]
I'll keep you safe and I'll be there when you wake up, I promise.
[She says through her tears and then proceeds to knock him out.]
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he doesn't need to brace himself because it doesn't matter. the drugs tell him that it doesn't fucking matter, and then he closes his eyes as everything goes dark. ]
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There's a dark part of her that whispers at her to try it, it would help take away all of this confusion and pain and she could also understand Jason better. With just a quick inhale she could see what he's seen, feel what he's felt. Luckily though this isn't Dawn's first brush with drugs or addiction, after living with Hank and helping him through his she is far less likely to give into that voice.]
Fuck you Crane.
[She says quietly and gets up to go put it in one of the kitchen drawers, once Jason is awake and sober she'll get him to get rid of it, till then she wants to keep it out of sight. While she's in the kitchen she makes herself some tea and takes a few pain killers and then heads back into the living room to watch over Jason until he wakes up.]
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he's out for a long time. it's a combination of the drugs and being knocked out, but in the end it's for the best. when he finally wakes up much later, he's groggy, but the drugs are mostly out of his system. nothing like they were up on that roof.
he blinks his eyes open slowly, staring at the ceiling at first. he's not in Gotham. he's not in a dirty, abandoned warehouse. he's not with Crane.
there's the familiar feeling of softness around him. a couch. the smell of flowers and something very distinctly... Dawn.]
Dawn...
[he breathes out, then turns his head a little, feeling her presence.]
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ah! Jason!
[She says and instantly sits up to look at him, her eyes worried.]
I'm right here.
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fuck.
he fucked up. he realizes that now too. ]
...Hey
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[She asks, reaching up to brush back his hair from his forehead.]
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Like I fucked up. Like I really fucked up.
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Why, Jason? Why did you bring it and why did you take it? I thought....
[She swallows, hearing an audible click on her throat.]
I thought you were done with it.
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I was scared.
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[She asks, moving her hand from his hair to gently wipe away any of his tears that start to fall.]
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I didn't think I could manage without it. I thought... that there'd be something I couldn't fucking handle and I'd need it. And then that time came and I was fucking terrified, thinking about Dick and the Titans and what could have happened. And what would happen if I had to go back.
I remembered what it felt like when I left San Fransisco. When I went back to Gotham. When I left Bruce. I didn't want feel that again. I freaked out. I really fucking freaked out and I'm sorry. Fuck.
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[She soothes when she sees how much he's working himself up again and runs her hand through his hair slowly. She lets him take a moment before speaking again and when she does she tries to keep the hurt out of her voice.]
Why didn't you come get me? You could have woken me up to talk to me.
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when he opens his eyes and looks at her. ]
I don't know. I... I've never been good at that shit. Talking to people, I mean. I've always been alone.
I lost my shit and I didn't think of it.
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[She says softly, part of her feeling guilty because if she had just gone out to him in the night like she had wanted maybe he wouldn't have had to resort to this.]
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there's not an ounce of judgement on her face, in her eyes.
before this, he was the most alone he's ever felt. but he's not alone anymore. ]
That wasn't me. I'm not gonna kill myself. I wouldn't leave you like that, ok? You're not alone either.
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It's just four little words but they hit her heart so hard that she utters a small choked sound as she wraps her arms around him clumsily and buries her face into his chest.
She stays like that for a long time, listening to his heart beat as a way to reassure herself that he's here and he's himself again. Eventually she pulls back, her hair a tousled mess and her eyes tired and red.]
You have to get rid of it, all of it. Okay?
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