[ he closes his eyes, focusing on the way her hand moves through his hair. it's gentle and kind and a good anchor for everything he's feeling right now.
when he opens his eyes and looks at her. ]
I don't know. I... I've never been good at that shit. Talking to people, I mean. I've always been alone.
[She says softly, part of her feeling guilty because if she had just gone out to him in the night like she had wanted maybe he wouldn't have had to resort to this.]
[ he's quiet for a while, just looking at her when she tells him he's not alone anymore. he was up there on that roof, ready to jump, and she was there. she pulled him back. she yelled at him, telling him all the things he needed to hear and she's here now too.
there's not an ounce of judgement on her face, in her eyes.
before this, he was the most alone he's ever felt. but he's not alone anymore. ]
That wasn't me. I'm not gonna kill myself. I wouldn't leave you like that, ok? You're not alone either.
[You're not alone either. It's just four little words but they hit her heart so hard that she utters a small choked sound as she wraps her arms around him clumsily and buries her face into his chest.
She stays like that for a long time, listening to his heart beat as a way to reassure herself that he's here and he's himself again. Eventually she pulls back, her hair a tousled mess and her eyes tired and red.]
[ he hugs her back- as awkward as it is, he doesn't care. he wants to hold her like this too. he needs to.
as they stay like this for a long while, he starts to feel less hazy, more awake, more like he can think again.
it's a scary thought, getting rid of all the drugs, but she's right. it has to be done. he needs to be done, once and for all. this is the end of it, right here. ]
[he'd been wanting to get rid of it for a long time, he's just never had the courage to do it by himself. but he's not alone. he doesn't have to do this alone.
he hugs her back once again, a small,watery smile on her face when she threatens his tonsils and testicles.]
Sounds completely fair.... thanks for knocking me out by the way. Does my face match my black and blue ass?
Yeah? What for? I always learned how to knock everyone out to do the most damage.
[thank goodness for him, though. then again, a black eye is always a good reminder. Jason can tell what she's looking for when she looks in his eyes, though. he feels so fucking terrible for doing this to her again.]
I feel like every single part of me hurts. But it's ok. It's ok.
[She knows it still freaks him out, hell it still freaks her out a little to be finally doing it but it has to be done. Otherwise it will just keep hanging over them.]
No, I brought it down after I dragged you to the couch. I put it in the kitchen.
[ he doesn't want any of this to be hanging over them anymore. he made a mistake today and he never wants to make this shitty kind of mistake again. he never wants to hurt her the way he has again.
he rubs at his face, then glances at his bag, shaking his head.]
I only brought the one. Just in case. I knew I shouldn't have but... that shit gets a hold of you. It's hard to let go.
[as ready as he'll ever be, and that's good enough. he takes her hand this time, unlike on the rooftop, and stands up, curling his fingers around hers.]
And then maybe once we're done with this and the phone call we can ice each other.
[When his fingers curl around hers she gives his hand a squeeze.]
I think that sounds like an excellent idea, I'm pretty sure I scraped up some stuff on my back and elbow but we can deal with all of that later.
[She lets him lead them into the kitchen and once there she takes the inhaler out from where she hid it, she holds it for a moment, looking at the strange yellow liquid before passing it to Jason.]
...Shit. I'm so fucking sorry. I'll take a look and patch you up, alright?
[it's strange, having such a hit of emotions after being drugged not to. it feels intense, but not in the worst kind of way. he feels guilty, but it's not overwhelming. it's a strange drug.
Jason stares at it when Dawn holds it out to him. he almost doesn't want to take it from her, but he wants to be the one to destroy it. he missed that opportunity with Crane, but at least he has this, as small as it may be.]
You know what the sick part is? I created this. He gave me a half assed fucking formula and I spent so long trying to perfect it.
It's okay, a couple of bruises and scrapes is a small price to pay to have you still be here.
[She says softly. When he tells her that he was the one who created it she can't help but raise her eyebrows up at him.]
This might sound really weird, considering what it was that you made and what it did to you but....I had no idea you were so good at chemistry. That's kind of impressive in an awful way.
[he knows it's surprising. no one ever thought of him as someone who was smart, who would read or know chemistry. it's fine. he acted like he didn't give a shit anyway.]
Yeah, well... I'm good at picking up on shit. It took a lot of tries but eventually I was able to put the formula together.
[It's not that she doesn't think that Jason is smart, she knows that he is, it's more that she's impressed because she's always been bad at things like chemistry and math and finds it interesting when people excel at it.]
You are.
[She agrees quietly, because he is good at picking up on things. Body language and tone especially. With that in mind she doesn't say anything else, just tightens her grip on his hand that she's still holding and waits for him. Giving him comfort and strength hopefully.]
[ he doesn't see it that way. he knows what people think about him and now even more so. they have every right to think shitty of him though and he knows that too.
he looks at her, then nods and takes his hand back so he can dismantle the inhaler. he doesn't hesitate any longer, dumping it down the drain, then tosses the rest in the trash. and he's done.
he's done.
he lets out a shaky breath, his shoulders dropping. ]
[ he moves into her arms, feeling... he's not really sure what he's feeling now. relief but also fear. freedom but also uncertainty.
the thing is, her arms are wrapped around him and her fingers are moving through his hair, and it makes him feel like even with that fear and uncertainty, he won't be stuck with it. he won't be held in it. there's something else here. ]
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when he opens his eyes and looks at her. ]
I don't know. I... I've never been good at that shit. Talking to people, I mean. I've always been alone.
I lost my shit and I didn't think of it.
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[She says softly, part of her feeling guilty because if she had just gone out to him in the night like she had wanted maybe he wouldn't have had to resort to this.]
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there's not an ounce of judgement on her face, in her eyes.
before this, he was the most alone he's ever felt. but he's not alone anymore. ]
That wasn't me. I'm not gonna kill myself. I wouldn't leave you like that, ok? You're not alone either.
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It's just four little words but they hit her heart so hard that she utters a small choked sound as she wraps her arms around him clumsily and buries her face into his chest.
She stays like that for a long time, listening to his heart beat as a way to reassure herself that he's here and he's himself again. Eventually she pulls back, her hair a tousled mess and her eyes tired and red.]
You have to get rid of it, all of it. Okay?
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as they stay like this for a long while, he starts to feel less hazy, more awake, more like he can think again.
it's a scary thought, getting rid of all the drugs, but she's right. it has to be done. he needs to be done, once and for all. this is the end of it, right here. ]
Okay. I wanna get rid of it.
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[She says and hugs him again, sighing in relief that he wants it gone as well and agrees to it so easily.]
And if you ever scare me like that again I'll kick your ass so hard, your tonsils and your testicles will be next door neighbors.
[She says with a little laugh and squeezes him tighter.]
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he hugs her back once again, a small,watery smile on her face when she threatens his tonsils and testicles.]
Sounds completely fair.... thanks for knocking me out by the way. Does my face match my black and blue ass?
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Oh please, give me some credit. I know how to knock someone out without doing damage.
[Her eyes hold his for a moment and she's relieved to see that his are back to normal, she can see all his emotions swirling around in them again.]
Are you in pain at all though? We both hit the ground pretty hard.
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[thank goodness for him, though. then again, a black eye is always a good reminder. Jason can tell what she's looking for when she looks in his eyes, though. he feels so fucking terrible for doing this to her again.]
I feel like every single part of me hurts. But it's ok. It's ok.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I fucking hurt you again.
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[She explains and then pauses when he apologizes, looking into his eyes she sees all of his regret and pain and she nods.]
I know you are.
[Impulsively she leans in and kisses him on the forehead.]
I accept your apology.
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Thank you.
[he closes his eyes and lets out a long sigh.]
Can we do it now? I need to get rid of it now. I've been carrying it all with me for long enough.
[not just the drugs but all the feelings associated with it as well.]
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Yes, let's do it. We'll get rid of it and then I'll call Dick.
[She gives him a small encouraging smile.]
Might as well just get everything done at once right?
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Yeah. Okay. We'll get rid of it and then call Dick.
[he pushes himself up on his elbows, his whole body protesting hard, but he pushes through it and sits up the rest of the way.]
Is it still on the roof?
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No, I brought it down after I dragged you to the couch. I put it in the kitchen.
[She pauses and looks at his bag.]
Is there more in there?
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he rubs at his face, then glances at his bag, shaking his head.]
I only brought the one. Just in case. I knew I shouldn't have but... that shit gets a hold of you. It's hard to let go.
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[She says and then slowly gets up, wincing as her back protests, and then offers him a hand off the couch.]
Ready?
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[as ready as he'll ever be, and that's good enough. he takes her hand this time, unlike on the rooftop, and stands up, curling his fingers around hers.]
And then maybe once we're done with this and the phone call we can ice each other.
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I think that sounds like an excellent idea, I'm pretty sure I scraped up some stuff on my back and elbow but we can deal with all of that later.
[She lets him lead them into the kitchen and once there she takes the inhaler out from where she hid it, she holds it for a moment, looking at the strange yellow liquid before passing it to Jason.]
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[it's strange, having such a hit of emotions after being drugged not to. it feels intense, but not in the worst kind of way. he feels guilty, but it's not overwhelming. it's a strange drug.
Jason stares at it when Dawn holds it out to him. he almost doesn't want to take it from her, but he wants to be the one to destroy it. he missed that opportunity with Crane, but at least he has this, as small as it may be.]
You know what the sick part is? I created this. He gave me a half assed fucking formula and I spent so long trying to perfect it.
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[She says softly. When he tells her that he was the one who created it she can't help but raise her eyebrows up at him.]
This might sound really weird, considering what it was that you made and what it did to you but....I had no idea you were so good at chemistry. That's kind of impressive in an awful way.
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[he knows it's surprising. no one ever thought of him as someone who was smart, who would read or know chemistry. it's fine. he acted like he didn't give a shit anyway.]
Yeah, well... I'm good at picking up on shit. It took a lot of tries but eventually I was able to put the formula together.
[he turns it over in his hand.]
Crane knew I could do it.
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[It's not that she doesn't think that Jason is smart, she knows that he is, it's more that she's impressed because she's always been bad at things like chemistry and math and finds it interesting when people excel at it.]
You are.
[She agrees quietly, because he is good at picking up on things. Body language and tone especially. With that in mind she doesn't say anything else, just tightens her grip on his hand that she's still holding and waits for him. Giving him comfort and strength hopefully.]
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he looks at her, then nods and takes his hand back so he can dismantle the inhaler. he doesn't hesitate any longer, dumping it down the drain, then tosses the rest in the trash. and he's done.
he's done.
he lets out a shaky breath, his shoulders dropping. ]
That's it. It's all gone.
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Good.
[She says and then gently gathers him in her arms, hugging him tightly.]
You're free.
[She says, running her hands through his hair.]
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the thing is, her arms are wrapped around him and her fingers are moving through his hair, and it makes him feel like even with that fear and uncertainty, he won't be stuck with it. he won't be held in it. there's something else here. ]
Thank you.
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