[ Maybe he can blame this all on being sick, but he can definitely feel his fever has gone done significantly since they've been laying here together so he's not sure how much that'll hold up. ]
When I was younger I used to squat in a high school in Gotham. The best place was right above the theater. Spent months living there, watching the theater nerds rehearse musicals. Kinda grew on me.
[ It definitely helps. Personal is so difficult for him. ]
Exactly that, yeah. I should've thought of it sooner. I was such an idiot.
West Side Story. It was so much better than Grease.
But there was another one I liked a lot too. They ended up not rehearsing it, cause there was this whole controversy about prostitutes and burlesque dancers and all that, which got me real curious.
I brought her there. To the high school, to where I lived. I told her about my life.
[ Maybe he shouldn't be talking to her about this. Dawn, of all people, when he finally feels like he's opening his heart up to someone else. But- maybe that's why. Past pains and all. ]
I don't actually know that one. Not as much of a musical geek as I think I am, I guess.
[She asks, unable to hide some of the curiosity in her voice. She doesn't mind him talking about Rose, she knows very little of what went on between them.]
It's not very well known but you know that Whitney Houston song? I Will Always Love You? That's actually originally a Dolly Parton song, she sings it in that musical.
At first she tried to brush it off. Acted like that's what she was doing. But then- I don't know. I thought I could convince her that it was okay. That we were okay. That no matter what it was okay for us to be in love. She wanted to know more about me but in the end she really didn't. All those things everyone blamed me for... it was her. She planted all of it, knew everyone would blame me. I was easy, you know? Bruce, Rose, Crane. They all knew it. They could sink their hooks into my heart and use me the way they wanted to, and no one would care. I fell for it, every single time.
[This isn't the turn of conversation he was going to take, but maybe his loose lips really are a thing right now.]
[It hurts her to hear him say those things, to know how badly he was hurt and used when all he wanted was to share love with someone. She dips her head down and kisses the top of his head softly.]
I'm sorry you were hurt so many times. That you were used.
I guess after a while you just- you really lose your shit. You know? Not that I'm-- fuck. I'm not excusing anything I did, but. I thought Rose loved me. I thought Bruce wanted to be my father. I thought Dick cared about me. I thought...
[He can feel the tears spilling out of his feverish eyes and he squeezes them shut, pulling away from her to wipe at them. He doesn't want to do this. Not right now. He doesn't want to cry about this. He wants to move on.]
[ This time instead of pulling completely away, he can't but but uncurl from himself and wrap his arms around her instead, burying his face against her. ]
I'm sorry. I'd change everything if I could. Every fucking day I wish I could go back and change it but I can't, and I'm so sorry. None of my hurt should have ever turned into that. None of my anger can ever make up what I did.
[ He opens his mouth to say more, but he can't. There's nothing more to say. He cries against her, hands sliding up her back, fingers digging into her skin as his sobs wrack his body. He's cried, but never this hard, and it feels like his sick body is just releasing all of it. Everything. He's so sorry about everything. ]
[The power of his tears is a little startling but understandable and when his hands dig into her she just pulls him in tighter, letting him sob against her chest as she continues to rock him. Murmuring soft words to him, trying to soothe him as he lets everything out.]
[ There are so many voices in his head that tell him he's weak, pathetic, vulnerable. But he always has been, hasn't he. None of that has ever changed no matter how many times he's been dragged through the dirt. No matter how many times he's dragged others down with him.
He doesn't want it to matter anymore.
Dawn makes him feel like maybe it doesn't matter anymore.
Eventually he quiets down, exhaustion taking over as he fully slumps against her, knowing full well that he's an absolute mess right now, but trying not to care. ]
[She continues to hold him even as his tears start to taper off, stroking his hair and back gently, and eventually after he's quieted down for a while she kisses the top of his head.]
Hey.
[She says softly, brushing her one hand against his cheek in an effort to get him to look up at her.]
[ He's exhausted, and he feels so much loss, but maybe all this heaviness had to come out of him at some point. He was a bad kid, but he tried. He was a shitty person, but he always hoped for love. When so much of that was ripped away from him, he felt empty. A shell of a person who was so easily manipulated by those who acted like they could fill him up.
Maybe that's always been the problem. He never felt like he could fill any of his cracks himself.
But now he's not any of those things. He's just here in this place with Dawn, and there's something else here again. But fuck, he's so scared of it.]
[She waits for him to slowly lift his head up to look at her and then places a few kisses under each eye, as if wanting to kiss his tears away. She pauses and then presses her lips to his, kissing him softly and sweetly.]
It's okay. [She whispers against his lips, still holding him.]
[ It's hard for him to look at her right now, but he tries, glancing up at her slowly. He can only keep them open for so long, though- closing them when she kisses under his eyes, then his lips in a way that's so soft, so gentle.
She still wants to kiss him. He can hardly believe it.
But it's those words of hers that try to sink into him the most. It's okay. He's so desperate for it. He wants this to be real this time.
So he nods against her lips, then kisses her, because he doesn't want all that anger, all that hate, all that guilt anymore. He wants this.]
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When I was younger I used to squat in a high school in Gotham. The best place was right above the theater. Spent months living there, watching the theater nerds rehearse musicals. Kinda grew on me.
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That's actually a really smart choice, a high-school would have access to food, showers and entertainment.
Which was your favorite musical that you saw them rehearse?
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Exactly that, yeah. I should've thought of it sooner. I was such an idiot.
West Side Story. It was so much better than Grease.
But there was another one I liked a lot too. They ended up not rehearsing it, cause there was this whole controversy about prostitutes and burlesque dancers and all that, which got me real curious.
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Oh West Side Story kicks the crap out of Grease, it's a thousand times better.
Ooh controversial subject matter. It's a shame they weren't allowed to rehearse it....wait which one was it?
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[He says quietly, but she's probably right. He closes his eyes again, but tries to keep talking so he won't fall asleep.]
Shittier ending though. Not shittier- much more realistic I guess. That's why it worked.
Moulin Rouge.
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[She says and then nods in agreement.]
Much more realistic. Better songs too.
Oh wow. I was going to guess that but for a second I thought it could also be Dolly Parton's Littlest Whorehouse in Texas.
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[ Look at him, letting his geek side out. He remembers the last time he told all this to someone and how badly that ended. ]
...Do you remember Rose?
Now that would've been an excellent high school debate.
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Yes, I remember her.
No kidding, it's still a fun musical movie though. I love Dolly, she's the sweetest thing.
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[ Maybe he shouldn't be talking to her about this. Dawn, of all people, when he finally feels like he's opening his heart up to someone else. But- maybe that's why. Past pains and all. ]
I don't actually know that one. Not as much of a musical geek as I think I am, I guess.
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[She asks, unable to hide some of the curiosity in her voice. She doesn't mind him talking about Rose, she knows very little of what went on between them.]
It's not very well known but you know that Whitney Houston song? I Will Always Love You?
That's actually originally a Dolly Parton song, she sings it in that musical.
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[This isn't the turn of conversation he was going to take, but maybe his loose lips really are a thing right now.]
That's a good song.
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I'm sorry you were hurt so many times. That you were used.
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[He can feel the tears spilling out of his feverish eyes and he squeezes them shut, pulling away from her to wipe at them. He doesn't want to do this. Not right now. He doesn't want to cry about this. He wants to move on.]
Fuck. Sorry. I'm sorry.
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[She says, letting go of him enough so he can wipe his eyes but then gathering him back up again.]
You don't have to apologize. You shouldn't. You have a right to be upset about those things.
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[ He keeps his hands against his eyes because try as he might, he can't stop his tears. Maybe it's better if he just lets them all out. ]
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[She insists softly, hugging him against her. Trying to comfort him.]
You've been hurt and used and you're allowed to be upset and angry about it.
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I'm sorry. I'd change everything if I could. Every fucking day I wish I could go back and change it but I can't, and I'm so sorry. None of my hurt should have ever turned into that. None of my anger can ever make up what I did.
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[She says, holding him tightly. Rocking him gently and she rubs his back.]
And I know it hurts for you to think about it. But we all made a lot of mistakes, myself included. You're not the only one who fucked up.
We can't change what happened but we can try and do better now and you are. You're doing so much better, Jason.
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He doesn't want it to matter anymore.
Dawn makes him feel like maybe it doesn't matter anymore.
Eventually he quiets down, exhaustion taking over as he fully slumps against her, knowing full well that he's an absolute mess right now, but trying not to care. ]
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Hey.
[She says softly, brushing her one hand against his cheek in an effort to get him to look up at her.]
Jason?
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Maybe that's always been the problem. He never felt like he could fill any of his cracks himself.
But now he's not any of those things. He's just here in this place with Dawn, and there's something else here again. But fuck, he's so scared of it.]
Yeah?
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It's okay. [She whispers against his lips, still holding him.]
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She still wants to kiss him. He can hardly believe it.
But it's those words of hers that try to sink into him the most. It's okay. He's so desperate for it. He wants this to be real this time.
So he nods against her lips, then kisses her, because he doesn't want all that anger, all that hate, all that guilt anymore. He wants this.]
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