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[dawn_is_breaking]

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[nomorefear]

Don't be. It is what it is.

[ Look at him, letting his geek side out. He remembers the last time he told all this to someone and how badly that ended. ]

...Do you remember Rose?

Now that would've been an excellent high school debate.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[She nods and then because he's so nestled in her chest and might not see that she speaks.]

Yes, I remember her.

No kidding, it's still a fun musical movie though. I love Dolly, she's the sweetest thing.

[nomorefear]

I brought her there. To the high school, to where I lived. I told her about my life.

[ Maybe he shouldn't be talking to her about this. Dawn, of all people, when he finally feels like he's opening his heart up to someone else. But- maybe that's why. Past pains and all. ]

I don't actually know that one. Not as much of a musical geek as I think I am, I guess.

[dawn_is_breaking]

How did she respond to all that?

[She asks, unable to hide some of the curiosity in her voice. She doesn't mind him talking about Rose, she knows very little of what went on between them.]

It's not very well known but you know that Whitney Houston song? I Will Always Love You?
That's actually originally a Dolly Parton song, she sings it in that musical.

[nomorefear]

At first she tried to brush it off. Acted like that's what she was doing. But then- I don't know. I thought I could convince her that it was okay. That we were okay. That no matter what it was okay for us to be in love. She wanted to know more about me but in the end she really didn't. All those things everyone blamed me for... it was her. She planted all of it, knew everyone would blame me. I was easy, you know? Bruce, Rose, Crane. They all knew it. They could sink their hooks into my heart and use me the way they wanted to, and no one would care. I fell for it, every single time.

[This isn't the turn of conversation he was going to take, but maybe his loose lips really are a thing right now.]

That's a good song.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[It hurts her to hear him say those things, to know how badly he was hurt and used when all he wanted was to share love with someone. She dips her head down and kisses the top of his head softly.]

I'm sorry you were hurt so many times. That you were used.

[nomorefear]

I guess after a while you just- you really lose your shit. You know? Not that I'm-- fuck. I'm not excusing anything I did, but. I thought Rose loved me. I thought Bruce wanted to be my father. I thought Dick cared about me. I thought...

[He can feel the tears spilling out of his feverish eyes and he squeezes them shut, pulling away from her to wipe at them. He doesn't want to do this. Not right now. He doesn't want to cry about this. He wants to move on.]

Fuck. Sorry. I'm sorry.

[dawn_is_breaking]

Shhhh. It's okay, Jason.

[She says, letting go of him enough so he can wipe his eyes but then gathering him back up again.]

You don't have to apologize. You shouldn't. You have a right to be upset about those things.

[nomorefear]

I don't. I don't have any fucking right to be upset about any of it anymore.

[ He keeps his hands against his eyes because try as he might, he can't stop his tears. Maybe it's better if he just lets them all out. ]

[dawn_is_breaking]

Yes you do.

[She insists softly, hugging him against her. Trying to comfort him.]

You've been hurt and used and you're allowed to be upset and angry about it.

[nomorefear]

[ This time instead of pulling completely away, he can't but but uncurl from himself and wrap his arms around her instead, burying his face against her. ]

I'm sorry. I'd change everything if I could. Every fucking day I wish I could go back and change it but I can't, and I'm so sorry. None of my hurt should have ever turned into that. None of my anger can ever make up what I did.

[dawn_is_breaking]

I know you would and I know how sorry you are.

[She says, holding him tightly. Rocking him gently and she rubs his back.]

And I know it hurts for you to think about it. But we all made a lot of mistakes, myself included. You're not the only one who fucked up.

We can't change what happened but we can try and do better now and you are. You're doing so much better, Jason.

[nomorefear]

[ He opens his mouth to say more, but he can't. There's nothing more to say. He cries against her, hands sliding up her back, fingers digging into her skin as his sobs wrack his body. He's cried, but never this hard, and it feels like his sick body is just releasing all of it. Everything. He's so sorry about everything. ]

[dawn_is_breaking]

[The power of his tears is a little startling but understandable and when his hands dig into her she just pulls him in tighter, letting him sob against her chest as she continues to rock him. Murmuring soft words to him, trying to soothe him as he lets everything out.]

[nomorefear]

[ There are so many voices in his head that tell him he's weak, pathetic, vulnerable. But he always has been, hasn't he. None of that has ever changed no matter how many times he's been dragged through the dirt. No matter how many times he's dragged others down with him.

He doesn't want it to matter anymore.

Dawn makes him feel like maybe it doesn't matter anymore.

Eventually he quiets down, exhaustion taking over as he fully slumps against her, knowing full well that he's an absolute mess right now, but trying not to care. ]

[dawn_is_breaking]

[She continues to hold him even as his tears start to taper off, stroking his hair and back gently, and eventually after he's quieted down for a while she kisses the top of his head.]

Hey.

[She says softly, brushing her one hand against his cheek in an effort to get him to look up at her.]

Jason?

[nomorefear]

[ He's exhausted, and he feels so much loss, but maybe all this heaviness had to come out of him at some point. He was a bad kid, but he tried. He was a shitty person, but he always hoped for love. When so much of that was ripped away from him, he felt empty. A shell of a person who was so easily manipulated by those who acted like they could fill him up.

Maybe that's always been the problem. He never felt like he could fill any of his cracks himself.

But now he's not any of those things. He's just here in this place with Dawn, and there's something else here again. But fuck, he's so scared of it.]

Yeah?

[dawn_is_breaking]

[She waits for him to slowly lift his head up to look at her and then places a few kisses under each eye, as if wanting to kiss his tears away. She pauses and then presses her lips to his, kissing him softly and sweetly.]

It's okay. [She whispers against his lips, still holding him.]

[nomorefear]

[ It's hard for him to look at her right now, but he tries, glancing up at her slowly. He can only keep them open for so long, though- closing them when she kisses under his eyes, then his lips in a way that's so soft, so gentle.

She still wants to kiss him. He can hardly believe it.

But it's those words of hers that try to sink into him the most. It's okay. He's so desperate for it. He wants this to be real this time.

So he nods against her lips, then kisses her, because he doesn't want all that anger, all that hate, all that guilt anymore. He wants this.]

[dawn_is_breaking]

[There's a warmth between them that has nothing to do with his fever and she moves into it fully, wanting to show him as much comfort and sweetness as she can.]

I want you, Jason. I want this. [She says when she finally breaks the kiss again.] You've been hurt a lot so we can go slow, but I just need you to know that I want you and care about you.

[nomorefear]

[ It feels unreal at the same time that it feels true, and normally that might be a war inside his head, but nothing feels normal anymore. ]

I want this too. I care about you too. I want you.

[That's the truth. It's been his truth for a while now, but this is the only time he's really been able to admit it.]

[dawn_is_breaking]

[Hearing him say those words makes her feel dizzy with happiness and relief. She had thought that maybe he had a crush on her, there had certainly been enough moments between them to support that, but she was afraid that maybe that was it. That she was developing one sided feelings for him.

But now, to hear that he wants her, wants what she wants, is such a wonderful thing and she utters a little sigh of joy before kissing him again.]

[nomorefear]

[ Did she really think all this could be was a crush? That all this time, all this guilt and anguish was over something like that?

It's probably better he doesn't know that, especially because she's kissing him yet again. He kisses back, the tightness in his chest slowly dissipating. It's okay. He hears her words in his head and it has him kissing her even deeper, sliding a hand up to her face. ]

[dawn_is_breaking]

[Between him not always being the easiest to read and her own guilt about feeling so strongly about him it's only natural that she would worry the he might only have a crush on her. It's been a long time since she's had someone new in her life like this so she's trying to remember the cues.

But it doesn't matter now, they've both said it out loud at last and she can feel his desire for her in the way he kisses her deeper. She opens her mouth to him and begins to let herself slide down into bed with him, encouraging him with her hands and tongue.]

[nomorefear]

[ Maybe it's the same thing as him wondering if she only wants him like this because of trauma. It's not as if trauma bonding isn't a thing, but it's just a little more fucked up when he's the one who caused it.

They've been here together like this for a while now though and trauma bonding or crushes just don't seem to be so important anymore.

He brushes his tongue in against hers when her lips part, but then he doesn't wait too much longer before he's all in, kissing her deeper as he slides his hands up her back. ]