[he doesn't like it either. the thought of leaving them to die feels even worse, though. what he hopes to hear is that Crane is dead instead. Jason almost wishes he were back there so he could finish the piece of shit off himself.]
[Dawn would happily help Jason finish Crane off if he were to ever show up again, after all it was Crane who had been pulling Jason's strings while he was drugged.]
I know you do. But Jason....what if Dick asks me about you? What should I say?
[ they could finish him off together. wouldn't that be something? or maybe not, because they don't need that shit here. they're far away from it. or trying to be, anyway. ]
Why would he ask you about me? He didn't trace my call. It was only for a second, and I've got a burner phone.
[they know he disappeared but not where he went off to. this is the last place in the world he should be, so he can't imagine Dick would even fathom the thought.
he does wonder though, if they looked for him. maybe that part didn't matter as long as he was gone.]
I don't think he'd ever consider that I'm here. Not in a million years.
[She says again, trying to let it sink in and make the nervous feeling in her stomach go away. Even if Dick had gone looking for him he wouldn't have found anything, except maybe some blood at Wayne Manor from when Jason broke in to get the tracker out.]
I'm jumping at shadows. I just don't want anything to ruin this.
I doubt they even looked for me. They were probably just....happy I was gone.
[just like before when he left Titan's Tower. this time with good reason, of course. he wonders if they know he just couldn't hurt them any longer. at this point it probably doesn't matter.
the way she says it though... like this matters to her so much. it's a lot to take in.]
They won't. I just need to know if they're all alive and ok. And what happened with Crane. I need to know that he's not out there. And if Gotham will be ok again.
[It hurts her to hear him speak so dismissively about himself but she can't really argue with it, after what he did the Titans probably were relieved that he left. When he mentions Crane she nods, feeling a slight twinge of hate.]
It's good that you want to know for sure.
[She says and then sighs, rubbing at her eyes with the back of her hand.]
I....I kind of feel like an awful person for not checking on them sooner but....
[everyone has always been relieved when he's left, so it's really nothing new. even so it always hurt, but now he gets it. it doesn't hurt anymore. deep down he wants himself gone too.]
It's all I've wanted to know since I got here.
[he says quietly, looking at her.]
Don't. You have your reasons. I feel like a fucking terrible person for asking you to do this.
[He would probably find it strange to know that now, even after everything that has happened, there's one person who wouldn't be relieved if he left. Would be rather upset in fact, and that's part of the reason Dawn is scared to call Dick. She doesn't want Dick or the Titans to somehow find out that Jason is here because it could drive him away, make him feel like he has to escape again.]
Tomorrow we'll both find out.
[And maybe they can both get some kind of closure from it, knowing that everyone is safe and that Crane is dead or back behind bars. Maybe then they can move forward with....whatever it is they are doing here together.]
You're not terrible, and if it helps you then I'll willing to do it.
[She gives him a small smile and nods, picking up her plate again and slowly finishing her slices of pizza. Once she's done she puts her plate on the little coffee table and sinks back against the couch, thinking about what she should say to Dick. She certainly can't just call him up and be like 'hey, how's it going? are things still awful in Gotham? by the way, did anyone else die?']
[maybe he's being a coward, asking Dawn to call Dick. he called him earlier and couldn't say a damn thing. but how could he? Dawn is their friend. she can talk to them. Jason knows he's nothing. not anymore.
hell, they even think he killed that kid Tim.
he finishes his food quietly as well, sitting back. he doesn't have it in him to try and make small talk. his stomach is in knots now, thinking about what Dick is going to say.
and if they're struggling, if Crane is still out there hurting people, if Gotham is still sick with toxin, should he go back? can he even go back at this point? he drags his fingers through his hair, lowering his head down into his hands. he won't know anything until tomorrow.]
ooc: figured we would skip ahead a little to the next morning
[The rest of their evening is a quiet one, each of them mulling over their own thoughts and worries and when they say goodnight to one another it's a little awkward what with the memory of their earlier slumber together still hanging over them. As she lays in her bed, awake and anxious, she can still smell him on the sheets and twice she almost gets up to go see him in the living room, but both times she chickens out. Instead she tosses and turns till about 4am when finally she falls into a thin troubled sleep.
She wakes up around 9am and already knows that Jason is awake as well as there's no way he slept any better than she did, she gets up and throws on some clothes and goes out to the kitchen to make them some tea. She said she would call after breakfast but she knows there's no way she's going to be able to keep anything down, not when her stomach is in so many knots.]
[ Jason didn't mean to turn the night into this, when they had other things on their mind. but maybe this is more important. maybe these are the things that need to be addressed first. Jason can't move on when all of this is lingering in the air between them.
he doesn't sleep. not even a little bit. he's fearful, nervous, angry, sad. there are drugs in his bag that he knows would help take care of all of that, and as the sun rises on a sleepless night, that fear of what Dick will say comes creeping in hard and fast. he doesn't know if he can stand this. he doesn't think he can do this.
weak, his head tells him. he's so fucking weak. Bruce thought so, so did Crane. how did he ever think he could prove otherwise? and now, he wants so badly for Dawn to find out what he left behind, but he's scared shitless and he can't take it.
by the time Dawn is up and around, Jason is up on the roof, drugs in his system, inhaler in his hand. it's different here, like this. it's different to feel nothing when there's no one whispering evil plans into his ear. it's his own head telling him things now. what would he do if he didn't feel fear? it's why he's sitting on the edge of the roof, head fuzzy and blank, because nothing else matters anymore but this. ]
[Dawn is still a bit sleepy so she doesn't notice that Jason isn't in the living room until she brings in the tea and sees the empty couch, her brows crease together and she sets down the pot and immediately heads to the rooftop. Telling herself that the awful feeling in her stomach is just nerves, he's probably feeling the same thing and went up to the roof to stretch and watch the sun rise.
And yet that feeling doesn't go away, it gets worse as she climbs up the steps and opens the door.]
Jason?
[She calls out softly and when she spots him, sitting on the edge of the roof, her heart clenches in fear because even before he turns around she knows something is wrong.]
[ it takes a moment for her voice to register. someone is calling out his name, and it takes him a few long seconds to even turn his head to glance her way.
Dawn.
oh, she's going to hate him. if she doesn't hate him already. but none of that really matters right now either. he turns his head away from her again so he can look forward... lean forward... look down. ]
I couldn't do it the first time. I was too scared. Dick showed up and he stopped me, and then he never talked to me again. Everyone hated me and I felt so afraid. I wasn't gonna let myself feel that afraid again.
[His eyes are not his own, she can see that right away and she feels like she's suddenly being tumbled back in time when she looks into those murky colored eyes. Only this time it isn't up to her to save Hank it's up to her to save Jason.]
Jason, please don't do that.
[She says, inhaling sharply when he leans forward. Her heart is hammering in her chest and she takes a few cautious steps towards him.]
I'm sorry that you felt like that, and we can talk about it, but I need you to come down off the ledge. Please?
[it comes out agitated, and he leaves the inhaler next to him as he lifts his arm to wipe at his forehead, beads of sweat all along his skin from how this make him feel.]
It doesn't matter. This'll fix everything. I always knew that it would, but I was too fucking weak to do anything about it. All this time, and for what? They'd all be alive if I had just had the guts to go through with it the first time.
This time he isn't here. This time Dick will be relieved that I'm gone.
[Her eyes flicker to the inhaler and then back to his face and she takes another step towards him.]
Please don't do this, the Titans are probably fine and even if they aren't I don't want you to kill yourself. I've already had two people I care about die, I can't take it a third time. Especially if it's you.
[ he can't help but laugh when she says that it matters to her. he laughs, then looks at her again like she's crazy. ]
Why? You know that's fucking crazy, right? I killed people. I set them up and kidnapped their kids and let them die. They were innocent. They were all innocent, even Hank.
Jumping off this roof'll be the least crazy thing I've ever done. You don't need me. No one needs me. Just think about how good it'll be when I'm finally gone.
[he looks down at her hand, and his crazed smile cracks a little as he shakes his head.]
[ his crazed smile disappears as quickly as it appeared, and he just stares at the hand being held out to him. it feels so out of reach. everything feels out of reach.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[She says softly, part of her wincing at his comment about dying.]
I'll call Dick tomorrow morning after we have breakfast.
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[he doesn't like it either. the thought of leaving them to die feels even worse, though. what he hopes to hear is that Crane is dead instead. Jason almost wishes he were back there so he could finish the piece of shit off himself.]
Thanks. I really appreciate it.
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I know you do. But Jason....what if Dick asks me about you? What should I say?
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Why would he ask you about me? He didn't trace my call. It was only for a second, and I've got a burner phone.
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[She pauses to tuck back a strand of hair that has fallen.]
Feeling a bit paranoid I guess, and nervous.
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[they know he disappeared but not where he went off to. this is the last place in the world he should be, so he can't imagine Dick would even fathom the thought.
he does wonder though, if they looked for him. maybe that part didn't matter as long as he was gone.]
I don't think he'd ever consider that I'm here. Not in a million years.
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[She says again, trying to let it sink in and make the nervous feeling in her stomach go away. Even if Dick had gone looking for him he wouldn't have found anything, except maybe some blood at Wayne Manor from when Jason broke in to get the tracker out.]
I'm jumping at shadows. I just don't want anything to ruin this.
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[just like before when he left Titan's Tower. this time with good reason, of course. he wonders if they know he just couldn't hurt them any longer. at this point it probably doesn't matter.
the way she says it though... like this matters to her so much. it's a lot to take in.]
They won't. I just need to know if they're all alive and ok. And what happened with Crane. I need to know that he's not out there. And if Gotham will be ok again.
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It's good that you want to know for sure.
[She says and then sighs, rubbing at her eyes with the back of her hand.]
I....I kind of feel like an awful person for not checking on them sooner but....
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It's all I've wanted to know since I got here.
[he says quietly, looking at her.]
Don't. You have your reasons. I feel like a fucking terrible person for asking you to do this.
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Tomorrow we'll both find out.
[And maybe they can both get some kind of closure from it, knowing that everyone is safe and that Crane is dead or back behind bars. Maybe then they can move forward with....whatever it is they are doing here together.]
You're not terrible, and if it helps you then I'll willing to do it.
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[Dick is alive, at least he knows that much. everyone else... he's nervous. he was trying to kill them and now all he wants is for them to be alright.
maybe they'll find closure, maybe the news will be bad. but at least they'll know.]
Thanks.
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hell, they even think he killed that kid Tim.
he finishes his food quietly as well, sitting back. he doesn't have it in him to try and make small talk. his stomach is in knots now, thinking about what Dick is going to say.
and if they're struggling, if Crane is still out there hurting people, if Gotham is still sick with toxin, should he go back? can he even go back at this point? he drags his fingers through his hair, lowering his head down into his hands. he won't know anything until tomorrow.]
ooc: figured we would skip ahead a little to the next morning
She wakes up around 9am and already knows that Jason is awake as well as there's no way he slept any better than she did, she gets up and throws on some clothes and goes out to the kitchen to make them some tea. She said she would call after breakfast but she knows there's no way she's going to be able to keep anything down, not when her stomach is in so many knots.]
sorry Dawn ;_;
he doesn't sleep. not even a little bit. he's fearful, nervous, angry, sad. there are drugs in his bag that he knows would help take care of all of that, and as the sun rises on a sleepless night, that fear of what Dick will say comes creeping in hard and fast. he doesn't know if he can stand this. he doesn't think he can do this.
weak, his head tells him. he's so fucking weak. Bruce thought so, so did Crane. how did he ever think he could prove otherwise? and now, he wants so badly for Dawn to find out what he left behind, but he's scared shitless and he can't take it.
by the time Dawn is up and around, Jason is up on the roof, drugs in his system, inhaler in his hand. it's different here, like this. it's different to feel nothing when there's no one whispering evil plans into his ear. it's his own head telling him things now. what would he do if he didn't feel fear? it's why he's sitting on the edge of the roof, head fuzzy and blank, because nothing else matters anymore but this. ]
ohhh nooooo!
And yet that feeling doesn't go away, it gets worse as she climbs up the steps and opens the door.]
Jason?
[She calls out softly and when she spots him, sitting on the edge of the roof, her heart clenches in fear because even before he turns around she knows something is wrong.]
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Dawn.
oh, she's going to hate him. if she doesn't hate him already. but none of that really matters right now either. he turns his head away from her again so he can look forward... lean forward... look down. ]
I couldn't do it the first time. I was too scared. Dick showed up and he stopped me, and then he never talked to me again. Everyone hated me and I felt so afraid. I wasn't gonna let myself feel that afraid again.
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Jason, please don't do that.
[She says, inhaling sharply when he leans forward. Her heart is hammering in her chest and she takes a few cautious steps towards him.]
I'm sorry that you felt like that, and we can talk about it, but I need you to come down off the ledge. Please?
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[it comes out agitated, and he leaves the inhaler next to him as he lifts his arm to wipe at his forehead, beads of sweat all along his skin from how this make him feel.]
It doesn't matter. This'll fix everything. I always knew that it would, but I was too fucking weak to do anything about it. All this time, and for what? They'd all be alive if I had just had the guts to go through with it the first time.
This time he isn't here. This time Dick will be relieved that I'm gone.
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[Her eyes flicker to the inhaler and then back to his face and she takes another step towards him.]
Please don't do this, the Titans are probably fine and even if they aren't I don't want you to kill yourself. I've already had two people I care about die, I can't take it a third time.
Especially if it's you.
[She holds out her hand to him.]
Jason, please. I need you.
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Why? You know that's fucking crazy, right? I killed people. I set them up and kidnapped their kids and let them die. They were innocent. They were all innocent, even Hank.
Jumping off this roof'll be the least crazy thing I've ever done. You don't need me. No one needs me. Just think about how good it'll be when I'm finally gone.
[he looks down at her hand, and his crazed smile cracks a little as he shakes his head.]
No.
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[She says, her voice cracking.]
I don't want this. I want you to stay with me here, be with me. It sounds crazy and fucked but I care about you.
A lot.
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How can I make you feel anything? I'm nothing.
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[She says, her eyes locking onto his desperately.]
You make me feel beautiful and happy, and alive.
[She can feel tears starting to course down her cheeks.]
Jason, please.
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