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[dawn_is_breaking]

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[nomorefear]

[ he doesn't want to make this about himself, and he really doesn't want to talk about his mother and how she died, but he thinks maybe the relation will help her here. maybe it'll ease both of their minds somehow. ]

She overdosed when I was just a kid. I was fucking devastated, but I was also relieved. Everything was a struggle for her, for both of us. She didn't wanna be around me anymore and I didn't know what to do. I tried to help her but she didn't want to be helped anymore and when she died... it was all over.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[The phrase, 'She didn't want to be around me anymore', sticks out immediately to her and her heart hurts from hearing it but now is not the time to argue against it. It's obvious that this is a hard topic for him to talk about and the fact that he is sharing it in an effort to try and make her feel a bit better about her own thoughts means a lot to her.]

Oh Jason, I'm so sorry.

[She says and slides her arms around his waist, hugging herself a little closer to him.]

I appreciate you telling me that, it....it feels awful to admit but....yeah. Thank you.

[nomorefear]

[ deep down he's never forgiven himself for her death either, but that was a different kind of pain to deal with, and he won't bring that up. he just wants her to know that he gets it, and that her feeling any of that doesn't make her deserving of anything bad after he killed Hank. ]

You weren't wrong for it, alright? Grief does all kinds of things to us.

[they should know, they've dealt with a lot of it.]

Are you okay?

[dawn_is_breaking]

I...okay.

[She whispers when he tells her that she isn't wrong for thinking the way that she does, for feeling relieved that she can be her own person again, that she doesn't have to put her partnership ahead of herself or her feelings. She pulls in a shaky breath and then releases it slowly as she finally pulls her face off his chest, she can see the wet spots that her tears have made on his shirt.]

Yes, thank you. I'm sorry for...kind of emotionally throwing up on you like that.

[She says, lifting her face up to his.]

[nomorefear]

Don't be sorry. Sometimes you gotta let all that shit out.

[ he would know. he's the king of emotional outbursts and he's always hated himself for it, but she doesn't have to. sometimes it really is better just to let it all out.

he feels a little lightheaded now though, and with a light squeeze he lets her go a little more. ]

I think I gotta lay down and ice my back a little more. We can still hang out if you want to. Or take a break if you don't.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[She utters a little chuckle and nods as he has a point and now that she's let it out she feels a bit better, although when he mentions his back her eyes fly open and she mentally kicks herself.]

Oh fuck! Jason, your back! I...I didn't hurt you more did I?

[She asks, taking her hands off his back and taking a step back.]

Come back to bed, I'll put the ice on you.

[nomorefear]

Hey, no.

[he steps forward when she steps back, sliding his hand around her wrist this time, running his thumb along her skin.]

You didn't hurt me, ok? I just need to be horizontal a little longer.

[he squeezes her hand, then lets go and moves back to the bed to lay down on his stomach a little more carefully this time. when she goes to the kitchen to grab more ice packs he'll push his pants down again and put the towel on himself.]

[dawn_is_breaking]

[The feeling of his thumb running across her skin sends a small pulse up her arm and she finds herself unable to move for a moment so she just looks up into his eyes and nods.]

Of course, I'll go grab the extra ice packs.

[She finally manages to say and then leaves him to get situated, going into the kitchen to get the last of the ice packs as well as wipe her eyes and blow her nose. She feels a bit like a mess but somehow it's okay as they're both a bit of a mess tonight, her with crying and him with his huge bruise.]

You all ready?

[She asks as she comes back into the room.]

[nomorefear]

[ it's good that she feels better and that they moved away from what they were talking about. he knows she wants them to be honest with each other, but he also knows that she won't ever accept the fact that he'll never let go of this. he'll never forgive himself. it's not something he's working towards, especially with how much she blames herself, when really it was all him. it's something he knows he has to carry with him forever. all he can do is try to atone.

for now, all he wants is for her to feel better.

when she comes back in he's all set to go, resting his forehead on his hands on the mattress, but he looks up when she asks if he's ready. ]

Yeah. Thanks again.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[She comes over and climbs onto the bed with him, offering him a small smile as she lays the ice packs onto his bruised areas.]

You're welcome. Thank you again as well.

[There's a moment of silence between them and she lays down next to him on her stomach, still feeling a little bit awkward about her outburst.]

[nomorefear]

[ he gives her a small smile and a nod as he drags his fingers through his hair, elbows still resting on the mattress. the feels soothing again. ]

Come on, think back. What else did you gossip about as a teenager?

[dawn_is_breaking]

[Her smile grows a bit more relaxed and she glances at him.]

Uh.... Mostly boys, dating, getting our periods, boring classes, other girls who were mean to us, what we thought sex would be like.

[nomorefear]

[ those definitely all feel like safer things to talk about, though half of those things he knows nothing about. he's definitely open to hearing her take on it all, though. ]

Did you have a lot of friends?

[dawn_is_breaking]

I had a few, people tended to think I was a snob in highschool.

[She admits and then gestures to the apartment as a whole.]

I'm from a fairly well to do home and I was standoffish to most people because I didn't want them getting close to me. Because if they got close they would see what my family was like.

[She pauses and then adds.]

What my father was like.

[nomorefear]

[ he tries to imagine what Dawn would have been like in high school, but he's sure it's very different from how she is now. ]

Did he act the same around people, or did he pretend he was a charming motherfucker to fool the fuck out of everyone?

[dawn_is_breaking]

[She makes a soft scoffing noise in her throat.]

He pretended to be charming and that's why I didn't ever want anyone coming over. I didn't want what friends I did have to like him or think he was great, it hurt too much because I knew the truth.

[nomorefear]

Yeah. Figured.

[that's how they all are, aren't they? or at least Jason's, and the other men he knew who had the same sadistic streak.]

They never veer far from their bullshit.

[dawn_is_breaking]

No, they never do.

[She agrees and then runs a hand through her hair.]

So I mostly stayed over at other people's houses for sleepovers, or I'd say I was going to a friends place and sneak into a pub and stay out late.

[nomorefear]

Is that where you talked about dating, getting your periods, boring classes and what we thought sex would be like.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[She laughs softly.]

Yeah, that's where. Sneaking into pubs is what allowed me to find out what sex was like later on.

[nomorefear]

Better than any other kinda education, I'll tell you that much.

[he snorts softly.]

Think that's where I did all my learning too.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[Her smile grows a little more and she nudges him with her shoulder gently.]

Yeah? Did you also lose your virginity to someone you met at a pub?

[nomorefear]

[ his eyebrows shoot up and he gives her a crooked grin, nudging her right back. ]

No. But you said also, so that means you did?

[dawn_is_breaking]

[She laughs, liking that they've managed to get back to a place where they're both smiling again. She's really starting to like all his different smiles, the crooked one he has right now is pretty fun.]

Yes, that's what that means.

[nomorefear]

[ somehow it's easy to get back to this place with her, even with all the doubt in his heart. maybe it's because her smile is so infectious. ]

Was it fun?