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[dawn_is_breaking]

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[dawn_is_breaking]

So am I.

[She says and takes a step towards him.]

I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed it and I know you're sorry for what you did to Hank but I don't think either of us should have to live in this cycle of blame forever. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but both of us deserve more.

[nomorefear]

You deserve more.

[he says softly, unable to look at her. what has he ever deserved? how can that ever change in his mind when this is how it all turned out? ]

I'm not ready to forgive myself. I don't know if I ever will be.

[dawn_is_breaking]

I hope that you will.

[She says, sliding her hand down his wrist to give his hand a squeeze.]

It's something to work towards, just like getting a massage.

[nomorefear]

No.

[he furrows his eyebrows, shaking his head.]

I don't think it is. I don't think I ever should. Not something like this. Not anything of what I've done.

[dawn_is_breaking]

Why? Because what you did was bad and hurt people? By that logic I shouldn't forgive myself either then.

[nomorefear]

Come on, Dawn. You know it's nowhere near the same thing. Whatever you did... it was nowhere near the same as what I did as Red Hood.

[and honestly that just makes him feel worse.]

You don't gotta do that just to change this around. I have to live with what I did. Always. Hank was my friend too. He's the only one who ever even bothered to try and listen to me. I killed him cause of that. I killed him cause I knew he would come help me. I can never forgive myself for that, drugs or not, Crane or not.

[dawn_is_breaking]

Stop saying that!

[She suddenly yells, her insides feeling horribly twisted and hurt and there's a moment where she almost feels like she might throw up. Instead she lets out a hoarse sob and begins to cry.]

You didn't kill him, I DID! I didn't listen to Dick, or Kory or Conner when I should have. Dick told me to wait and I didn't, it's the same thing with that fucking denotator! If I had just waited....but I didn't! I chose to pull the trigger and that's not your fault, it's MINE!

[nomorefear]

[ and this is why he can never ever forgive himself. this solidifies it all in his heart, because watching Dawn break down like this yet again over what he did... it hurts this time. he couldn't feel anything before, but this time he does.

he did this to Hank, and he did it to her, and maybe that's the worst part of all. he fucked her up so bad that she genuinely thinks she's the one who killed him.]

I'm so fucking sorry that I twisted it up to make you believe that. I'm sorry I fucked with you. I'd give anything to change that.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[Instead of pulling away Dawn moves against him, tugging on his wrist a little to pull him close as she buries her face in his chest. It feels like everything inside of her is moving, like some sort of horrible landslide of emotions and at first she can't speak but finally she is able to in small bursts between her tears.]

You don't....understand. I don't want it changed. I want to feel like this, I deserve it too....because...

[She pulls in a hitching breath, her stomach clenching painfully.]

Because after he died....part of me...was relieved.

[nomorefear]

[ when she moves against his chest to cry, he feels like he's doing it all over again. he's twisting things up and she's coming to him for comfort. it shouldn't be this way, and yet this is what they've been doing. this what they've been finding in each other.

so he can't help but wrap his arms around her, trying to comfort her now, as much as she's told him he's been a comfort since he's been here. he doesn't understand it at all, but he wants to help her now, at least.

even so, he's confused when she says she was relieved. ]

...What? What do you mean?

[dawn_is_breaking]

[It's something she can only admit to herself and Jason and she sags against him gratefully when he wraps his arms around her.]

Hank and I...we were having problems. Even before we came to the Tower to deal with Doctor Light and then with Deathstroke things just fell apart further. He left me, went back to using drugs and booze then came back but then...Donna died and I couldn't handle being with him.
So we broke it off, I went solo with Dove for a while but then Dick called us to Gotham because of....Red Hood....and yes I wanted to save him and yes I loved him dearly but part of me...

[She clutches at his shirt, trying to bury herself against him tighter.]

Part of me was relieved after he died because I was tired. I was tired of trying to work through the same fights, the same hurt, over and over. Part of me, I guess a really awful part, thought....good. Now it's just me again. It's not Hank and Dawn, it's not Hawk and Dove, it's JUST me.
Me, alone.

[nomorefear]

[ Jason listens as she spills her truths out against his chest. he didn't know about any of this. about the problems they were having, about how they broke it off. Doctor Light, Deathstroke, all of that... it feels like a lifetime ago except now it's suddenly all back in living color.

he didn't know what was going on because no one ever let him in on anything. of course it doesn't change how much she cared about Hank and how terrible it was what Jason did, but he can also understand now why she feels so much more guilty about all of it.

it's terrible, but there's a part of him that understands this too. ]

I get it, Dawn. I understand. It's kind of how I felt when my mom died too.

[he says quietly, wrapping his arms around her a little tighter.]

[dawn_is_breaking]

[Not all the Titans knew about her and Hank's issues, Donna knew because she was Dawn's best friend but Dick only suspected things. There were times where she had been tempted to talk to him about it, especially after Donna died, but they had too much history between them for her not to wonder what her motives would be discussing such things.

But Jason is different, he isn't an ex boyfriend and on top of that there's a sense that he won't judge her and once she's finally said it out loud it feels like one of the awful weights on her heart has been removed and she sighs, resting her head on his chest.]

What do you mean? What happened?

[nomorefear]

[ he doesn't want to make this about himself, and he really doesn't want to talk about his mother and how she died, but he thinks maybe the relation will help her here. maybe it'll ease both of their minds somehow. ]

She overdosed when I was just a kid. I was fucking devastated, but I was also relieved. Everything was a struggle for her, for both of us. She didn't wanna be around me anymore and I didn't know what to do. I tried to help her but she didn't want to be helped anymore and when she died... it was all over.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[The phrase, 'She didn't want to be around me anymore', sticks out immediately to her and her heart hurts from hearing it but now is not the time to argue against it. It's obvious that this is a hard topic for him to talk about and the fact that he is sharing it in an effort to try and make her feel a bit better about her own thoughts means a lot to her.]

Oh Jason, I'm so sorry.

[She says and slides her arms around his waist, hugging herself a little closer to him.]

I appreciate you telling me that, it....it feels awful to admit but....yeah. Thank you.

[nomorefear]

[ deep down he's never forgiven himself for her death either, but that was a different kind of pain to deal with, and he won't bring that up. he just wants her to know that he gets it, and that her feeling any of that doesn't make her deserving of anything bad after he killed Hank. ]

You weren't wrong for it, alright? Grief does all kinds of things to us.

[they should know, they've dealt with a lot of it.]

Are you okay?

[dawn_is_breaking]

I...okay.

[She whispers when he tells her that she isn't wrong for thinking the way that she does, for feeling relieved that she can be her own person again, that she doesn't have to put her partnership ahead of herself or her feelings. She pulls in a shaky breath and then releases it slowly as she finally pulls her face off his chest, she can see the wet spots that her tears have made on his shirt.]

Yes, thank you. I'm sorry for...kind of emotionally throwing up on you like that.

[She says, lifting her face up to his.]

[nomorefear]

Don't be sorry. Sometimes you gotta let all that shit out.

[ he would know. he's the king of emotional outbursts and he's always hated himself for it, but she doesn't have to. sometimes it really is better just to let it all out.

he feels a little lightheaded now though, and with a light squeeze he lets her go a little more. ]

I think I gotta lay down and ice my back a little more. We can still hang out if you want to. Or take a break if you don't.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[She utters a little chuckle and nods as he has a point and now that she's let it out she feels a bit better, although when he mentions his back her eyes fly open and she mentally kicks herself.]

Oh fuck! Jason, your back! I...I didn't hurt you more did I?

[She asks, taking her hands off his back and taking a step back.]

Come back to bed, I'll put the ice on you.

[nomorefear]

Hey, no.

[he steps forward when she steps back, sliding his hand around her wrist this time, running his thumb along her skin.]

You didn't hurt me, ok? I just need to be horizontal a little longer.

[he squeezes her hand, then lets go and moves back to the bed to lay down on his stomach a little more carefully this time. when she goes to the kitchen to grab more ice packs he'll push his pants down again and put the towel on himself.]

[dawn_is_breaking]

[The feeling of his thumb running across her skin sends a small pulse up her arm and she finds herself unable to move for a moment so she just looks up into his eyes and nods.]

Of course, I'll go grab the extra ice packs.

[She finally manages to say and then leaves him to get situated, going into the kitchen to get the last of the ice packs as well as wipe her eyes and blow her nose. She feels a bit like a mess but somehow it's okay as they're both a bit of a mess tonight, her with crying and him with his huge bruise.]

You all ready?

[She asks as she comes back into the room.]

[nomorefear]

[ it's good that she feels better and that they moved away from what they were talking about. he knows she wants them to be honest with each other, but he also knows that she won't ever accept the fact that he'll never let go of this. he'll never forgive himself. it's not something he's working towards, especially with how much she blames herself, when really it was all him. it's something he knows he has to carry with him forever. all he can do is try to atone.

for now, all he wants is for her to feel better.

when she comes back in he's all set to go, resting his forehead on his hands on the mattress, but he looks up when she asks if he's ready. ]

Yeah. Thanks again.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[She comes over and climbs onto the bed with him, offering him a small smile as she lays the ice packs onto his bruised areas.]

You're welcome. Thank you again as well.

[There's a moment of silence between them and she lays down next to him on her stomach, still feeling a little bit awkward about her outburst.]

[nomorefear]

[ he gives her a small smile and a nod as he drags his fingers through his hair, elbows still resting on the mattress. the feels soothing again. ]

Come on, think back. What else did you gossip about as a teenager?

[dawn_is_breaking]

[Her smile grows a bit more relaxed and she glances at him.]

Uh.... Mostly boys, dating, getting our periods, boring classes, other girls who were mean to us, what we thought sex would be like.