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[dawn_is_breaking]

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[nomorefear]

[ he goes quiet at that, not even really sure what to say to it. even less so when he feels that shiver. he's good at picking up on things like that. ]

I wouldn't say that.

[he says quietly, and suddenly her fingers feel very warm in his. he looks down at their hands, giving her fingers a squeeze before he lets go.]

I'll think about it. Something to work up to I guess.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[The way that he goes quiet and suddenly let's go of her hand makes her feel unsure and worried that she once again took a step too far and she finds herself wishing that she knew exactly what it was that made the moment suddenly change and why the idea of closely examining it and some of her own thoughts makes her nervous.]

Exactly, there's no rush.

[She says softly and then clears her throat, sitting up and pushing her hair back out of her face.]

[nomorefear]

[ when she compliments him, when she gets close, he doesn't really know what to do. he feels unworthy of both, and fears that she'll regret all of it too. he fears that she'll look back on these normal moments and be disgusted with herself for letting him have this with her after what he did.

it's not an easy thing to shake off.

he feels bad when she clears her throat and sits up, putting more space between them, and he's confused with what he should do, or how to approach any of this. he's so fucking terrible at people. he knows he always has been. he's always just been straight up terrible. ]

We should get back to the pizza before it gets completely cold. Although I bet it's real good cold too.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[It's strange because when she left the Titans she thought she wanted and needed space but the longer Jason is here she's finding that what she wants is almost the opposite. These little moments that they find with each other, like this or when they are working together in the garden or shopping, they make her feel better and more normal than she has since arriving here.]

You're right, sorry. I didn't mean to get so busy talking about astrology.

[She says and reaches down to get her pizza.]

[nomorefear]

[ they make him feel normal too. they make him feel good. that's the part he's struggling so much with. ]

No... don't be sorry. Why are you sorry?

[he furrows his eyebrows, but moves back onto his stomach to reach down and grab his pizza. god, he sucks so fucking much.]

...I'm the one who should be sorry.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[She's about to answer him when he mentions that he's the one who should be sorry and she looks back at him.]

What? No, why? You didn't do anything wrong, I'm....

[She starts to say and then sighs.]

I'm the one who made it weird.

[nomorefear]

You didn't make anything weird.

[he pushes up on his elbows, then drops his head into one of his hands, fingers scratching harshly through his hair.]

It was me. I got all serious on you.

[he pauses again, then sighs.]

The thing is, there's nothing good about me, Dawn. I don't think there ever has been. So when you tell me things like- that I'm impressive, I don't know what to say. I don't wanna argue with you cause I know that'll make things weird, but then I make them weird anyways. I'm sorry.

[dawn_is_breaking]

Jason...

[She says and drops her pizza back onto the plate so she can move back towards him.]

Please don't say that about yourself, there's plenty of good about you.

[nomorefear]

How can you even say that? You of all people know how fucked up I am. Always have been, right from the start. And the worst of it is? It could have all been over before any of this shit happened. If Dick hadn't come up to that rooftop that day, none of this would have happened.

Crane would be in Arkham, Bruce would still be Batman, Hank would still be alive. There is nothing good about me, Dawn. I cause pain.

[he sits up, then pushes himself off the bed, trying to ignore his aching muscles.]

I did this. Not you. And now I've made shit even weirder so I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna go shower or something. Thanks for the pizza. I'm sorry.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[The second he's pushing himself up off the bed she does the same, reaching out and catching his wrist in her hand.]

Jason, stop. Please.

[Her tone is firm but kind.]

You don't just cause pain and there is plenty good about you and my proof is what happened about ten seconds ago on that bed. Do you know how long it's been since I really laughed Jason? How long it's been since my cheeks hurt from smiling so much?
Months.
Since before I left Gotham.

And if you want further proof that you've got good in you then just go look at that massive bruise on your back. You did some good tonight with both your actions and just....by being you.

[nomorefear]

[when she grabs his arm he stops. he knows he should pull away again but he doesn't have the heart to. or maybe the guts to. he looks away, eyebrows drawn in.

she tells him he makes her laugh, he makes her smile. but doesn't she remember everything else he made her do too? it eats at him day and night and there's nothing he can do about it. no possible way to fix it.]

By being me? I don't even know who I am anymore. I keep trying to fit these pieces together but they're all fragmented and fucked up.

[he focuses on that instead, because he still doesn't know what to do with her telling him the way he makes her laugh.]

What do you think Dick would say if he knew I was here with you? What do you think he'd do, huh?

[dawn_is_breaking]

Then we're both in a similar position.

[She counters, her eyes watching his face.]

And I don't know what Dick would say if he knew you were here and honestly, I don't care. I was surprised earlier when you asked me to text him tomorrow because I wasn't going to contact him at all.

[nomorefear]

Not from where I'm standing.

[if she's broken and fragmented it's because of him. it's his fucking fault. she's not lost because of all the terrible shit she did. she's lost because she loved someone and a fucking monster took him away from her.

he looks frustrated and lost all over again when he looks at her.]

I care. I care about what he'd say. I always have. And he'd probably be right too.

[dawn_is_breaking]

I could say the same thing.

[She knows that he's done horrible things, to her specifically, but she isn't going to be like everyone else and just accept that's all there is to him. She can't do that, especially not now when she can see the sweet, gentle parts of him that creep out when he feels safe.]

Dick isn't always right.

[nomorefear]

Yes, you could, because we're not in a similar position. You wouldn't be here like this if it wasn't for me!

[how can she see anything sweet and gentle in him? he doesn't understand. If someone would do what he did to someone he loved...he would kill them.]

Maybe not always, but he'd be right about this.

[dawn_is_breaking]

And you wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for me, or Dick, or Bruce! If any of us had just tried harder to help you, things could have been different but they're not.

[She says, the grip on his wrist tightening.]

Fine, then call him yourself if that's what you want to hear so badly. If you want to try and confirm all the bad things you think you are, go ahead, but you're not changing my mind because I can see the person you are Jason. The person behind both masks.

[nomorefear]

[he blamed them. for a long time he blamed all of them. they ostracized him, rejected him, blamed him for a lot. they turned their backs on him when he needed them the most. he was angry and hurt, but can he blame everything on that?

the person behind both masks she says as if she knows, and it hits him hard because he feels like he doesn't even know who that is anymore. not in front or behind the masks.

but it makes him stop, gaze sliding down to her hand on his wrist, holding on to him so tightly.]

I'm sorry.

[dawn_is_breaking]

So am I.

[She says and takes a step towards him.]

I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed it and I know you're sorry for what you did to Hank but I don't think either of us should have to live in this cycle of blame forever. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but both of us deserve more.

[nomorefear]

You deserve more.

[he says softly, unable to look at her. what has he ever deserved? how can that ever change in his mind when this is how it all turned out? ]

I'm not ready to forgive myself. I don't know if I ever will be.

[dawn_is_breaking]

I hope that you will.

[She says, sliding her hand down his wrist to give his hand a squeeze.]

It's something to work towards, just like getting a massage.

[nomorefear]

No.

[he furrows his eyebrows, shaking his head.]

I don't think it is. I don't think I ever should. Not something like this. Not anything of what I've done.

[dawn_is_breaking]

Why? Because what you did was bad and hurt people? By that logic I shouldn't forgive myself either then.

[nomorefear]

Come on, Dawn. You know it's nowhere near the same thing. Whatever you did... it was nowhere near the same as what I did as Red Hood.

[and honestly that just makes him feel worse.]

You don't gotta do that just to change this around. I have to live with what I did. Always. Hank was my friend too. He's the only one who ever even bothered to try and listen to me. I killed him cause of that. I killed him cause I knew he would come help me. I can never forgive myself for that, drugs or not, Crane or not.

[dawn_is_breaking]

Stop saying that!

[She suddenly yells, her insides feeling horribly twisted and hurt and there's a moment where she almost feels like she might throw up. Instead she lets out a hoarse sob and begins to cry.]

You didn't kill him, I DID! I didn't listen to Dick, or Kory or Conner when I should have. Dick told me to wait and I didn't, it's the same thing with that fucking denotator! If I had just waited....but I didn't! I chose to pull the trigger and that's not your fault, it's MINE!

[nomorefear]

[ and this is why he can never ever forgive himself. this solidifies it all in his heart, because watching Dawn break down like this yet again over what he did... it hurts this time. he couldn't feel anything before, but this time he does.

he did this to Hank, and he did it to her, and maybe that's the worst part of all. he fucked her up so bad that she genuinely thinks she's the one who killed him.]

I'm so fucking sorry that I twisted it up to make you believe that. I'm sorry I fucked with you. I'd give anything to change that.