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[dawn_is_breaking]

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[nomorefear]

How can you even say that? You of all people know how fucked up I am. Always have been, right from the start. And the worst of it is? It could have all been over before any of this shit happened. If Dick hadn't come up to that rooftop that day, none of this would have happened.

Crane would be in Arkham, Bruce would still be Batman, Hank would still be alive. There is nothing good about me, Dawn. I cause pain.

[he sits up, then pushes himself off the bed, trying to ignore his aching muscles.]

I did this. Not you. And now I've made shit even weirder so I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna go shower or something. Thanks for the pizza. I'm sorry.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[The second he's pushing himself up off the bed she does the same, reaching out and catching his wrist in her hand.]

Jason, stop. Please.

[Her tone is firm but kind.]

You don't just cause pain and there is plenty good about you and my proof is what happened about ten seconds ago on that bed. Do you know how long it's been since I really laughed Jason? How long it's been since my cheeks hurt from smiling so much?
Months.
Since before I left Gotham.

And if you want further proof that you've got good in you then just go look at that massive bruise on your back. You did some good tonight with both your actions and just....by being you.

[nomorefear]

[when she grabs his arm he stops. he knows he should pull away again but he doesn't have the heart to. or maybe the guts to. he looks away, eyebrows drawn in.

she tells him he makes her laugh, he makes her smile. but doesn't she remember everything else he made her do too? it eats at him day and night and there's nothing he can do about it. no possible way to fix it.]

By being me? I don't even know who I am anymore. I keep trying to fit these pieces together but they're all fragmented and fucked up.

[he focuses on that instead, because he still doesn't know what to do with her telling him the way he makes her laugh.]

What do you think Dick would say if he knew I was here with you? What do you think he'd do, huh?

[dawn_is_breaking]

Then we're both in a similar position.

[She counters, her eyes watching his face.]

And I don't know what Dick would say if he knew you were here and honestly, I don't care. I was surprised earlier when you asked me to text him tomorrow because I wasn't going to contact him at all.

[nomorefear]

Not from where I'm standing.

[if she's broken and fragmented it's because of him. it's his fucking fault. she's not lost because of all the terrible shit she did. she's lost because she loved someone and a fucking monster took him away from her.

he looks frustrated and lost all over again when he looks at her.]

I care. I care about what he'd say. I always have. And he'd probably be right too.

[dawn_is_breaking]

I could say the same thing.

[She knows that he's done horrible things, to her specifically, but she isn't going to be like everyone else and just accept that's all there is to him. She can't do that, especially not now when she can see the sweet, gentle parts of him that creep out when he feels safe.]

Dick isn't always right.

[nomorefear]

Yes, you could, because we're not in a similar position. You wouldn't be here like this if it wasn't for me!

[how can she see anything sweet and gentle in him? he doesn't understand. If someone would do what he did to someone he loved...he would kill them.]

Maybe not always, but he'd be right about this.

[dawn_is_breaking]

And you wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for me, or Dick, or Bruce! If any of us had just tried harder to help you, things could have been different but they're not.

[She says, the grip on his wrist tightening.]

Fine, then call him yourself if that's what you want to hear so badly. If you want to try and confirm all the bad things you think you are, go ahead, but you're not changing my mind because I can see the person you are Jason. The person behind both masks.

[nomorefear]

[he blamed them. for a long time he blamed all of them. they ostracized him, rejected him, blamed him for a lot. they turned their backs on him when he needed them the most. he was angry and hurt, but can he blame everything on that?

the person behind both masks she says as if she knows, and it hits him hard because he feels like he doesn't even know who that is anymore. not in front or behind the masks.

but it makes him stop, gaze sliding down to her hand on his wrist, holding on to him so tightly.]

I'm sorry.

[dawn_is_breaking]

So am I.

[She says and takes a step towards him.]

I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed it and I know you're sorry for what you did to Hank but I don't think either of us should have to live in this cycle of blame forever. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but both of us deserve more.

[nomorefear]

You deserve more.

[he says softly, unable to look at her. what has he ever deserved? how can that ever change in his mind when this is how it all turned out? ]

I'm not ready to forgive myself. I don't know if I ever will be.

[dawn_is_breaking]

I hope that you will.

[She says, sliding her hand down his wrist to give his hand a squeeze.]

It's something to work towards, just like getting a massage.

[nomorefear]

No.

[he furrows his eyebrows, shaking his head.]

I don't think it is. I don't think I ever should. Not something like this. Not anything of what I've done.

[dawn_is_breaking]

Why? Because what you did was bad and hurt people? By that logic I shouldn't forgive myself either then.

[nomorefear]

Come on, Dawn. You know it's nowhere near the same thing. Whatever you did... it was nowhere near the same as what I did as Red Hood.

[and honestly that just makes him feel worse.]

You don't gotta do that just to change this around. I have to live with what I did. Always. Hank was my friend too. He's the only one who ever even bothered to try and listen to me. I killed him cause of that. I killed him cause I knew he would come help me. I can never forgive myself for that, drugs or not, Crane or not.

[dawn_is_breaking]

Stop saying that!

[She suddenly yells, her insides feeling horribly twisted and hurt and there's a moment where she almost feels like she might throw up. Instead she lets out a hoarse sob and begins to cry.]

You didn't kill him, I DID! I didn't listen to Dick, or Kory or Conner when I should have. Dick told me to wait and I didn't, it's the same thing with that fucking denotator! If I had just waited....but I didn't! I chose to pull the trigger and that's not your fault, it's MINE!

[nomorefear]

[ and this is why he can never ever forgive himself. this solidifies it all in his heart, because watching Dawn break down like this yet again over what he did... it hurts this time. he couldn't feel anything before, but this time he does.

he did this to Hank, and he did it to her, and maybe that's the worst part of all. he fucked her up so bad that she genuinely thinks she's the one who killed him.]

I'm so fucking sorry that I twisted it up to make you believe that. I'm sorry I fucked with you. I'd give anything to change that.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[Instead of pulling away Dawn moves against him, tugging on his wrist a little to pull him close as she buries her face in his chest. It feels like everything inside of her is moving, like some sort of horrible landslide of emotions and at first she can't speak but finally she is able to in small bursts between her tears.]

You don't....understand. I don't want it changed. I want to feel like this, I deserve it too....because...

[She pulls in a hitching breath, her stomach clenching painfully.]

Because after he died....part of me...was relieved.

[nomorefear]

[ when she moves against his chest to cry, he feels like he's doing it all over again. he's twisting things up and she's coming to him for comfort. it shouldn't be this way, and yet this is what they've been doing. this what they've been finding in each other.

so he can't help but wrap his arms around her, trying to comfort her now, as much as she's told him he's been a comfort since he's been here. he doesn't understand it at all, but he wants to help her now, at least.

even so, he's confused when she says she was relieved. ]

...What? What do you mean?

[dawn_is_breaking]

[It's something she can only admit to herself and Jason and she sags against him gratefully when he wraps his arms around her.]

Hank and I...we were having problems. Even before we came to the Tower to deal with Doctor Light and then with Deathstroke things just fell apart further. He left me, went back to using drugs and booze then came back but then...Donna died and I couldn't handle being with him.
So we broke it off, I went solo with Dove for a while but then Dick called us to Gotham because of....Red Hood....and yes I wanted to save him and yes I loved him dearly but part of me...

[She clutches at his shirt, trying to bury herself against him tighter.]

Part of me was relieved after he died because I was tired. I was tired of trying to work through the same fights, the same hurt, over and over. Part of me, I guess a really awful part, thought....good. Now it's just me again. It's not Hank and Dawn, it's not Hawk and Dove, it's JUST me.
Me, alone.

[nomorefear]

[ Jason listens as she spills her truths out against his chest. he didn't know about any of this. about the problems they were having, about how they broke it off. Doctor Light, Deathstroke, all of that... it feels like a lifetime ago except now it's suddenly all back in living color.

he didn't know what was going on because no one ever let him in on anything. of course it doesn't change how much she cared about Hank and how terrible it was what Jason did, but he can also understand now why she feels so much more guilty about all of it.

it's terrible, but there's a part of him that understands this too. ]

I get it, Dawn. I understand. It's kind of how I felt when my mom died too.

[he says quietly, wrapping his arms around her a little tighter.]

[dawn_is_breaking]

[Not all the Titans knew about her and Hank's issues, Donna knew because she was Dawn's best friend but Dick only suspected things. There were times where she had been tempted to talk to him about it, especially after Donna died, but they had too much history between them for her not to wonder what her motives would be discussing such things.

But Jason is different, he isn't an ex boyfriend and on top of that there's a sense that he won't judge her and once she's finally said it out loud it feels like one of the awful weights on her heart has been removed and she sighs, resting her head on his chest.]

What do you mean? What happened?

[nomorefear]

[ he doesn't want to make this about himself, and he really doesn't want to talk about his mother and how she died, but he thinks maybe the relation will help her here. maybe it'll ease both of their minds somehow. ]

She overdosed when I was just a kid. I was fucking devastated, but I was also relieved. Everything was a struggle for her, for both of us. She didn't wanna be around me anymore and I didn't know what to do. I tried to help her but she didn't want to be helped anymore and when she died... it was all over.

[dawn_is_breaking]

[The phrase, 'She didn't want to be around me anymore', sticks out immediately to her and her heart hurts from hearing it but now is not the time to argue against it. It's obvious that this is a hard topic for him to talk about and the fact that he is sharing it in an effort to try and make her feel a bit better about her own thoughts means a lot to her.]

Oh Jason, I'm so sorry.

[She says and slides her arms around his waist, hugging herself a little closer to him.]

I appreciate you telling me that, it....it feels awful to admit but....yeah. Thank you.

[nomorefear]

[ deep down he's never forgiven himself for her death either, but that was a different kind of pain to deal with, and he won't bring that up. he just wants her to know that he gets it, and that her feeling any of that doesn't make her deserving of anything bad after he killed Hank. ]

You weren't wrong for it, alright? Grief does all kinds of things to us.

[they should know, they've dealt with a lot of it.]

Are you okay?